American Crime Story: ‘Conspiracy Theories’ Review

American Crime Story 'Glovey Dovey'

“So is this an AA meeting or is someone gonna buy me a drink?” -Marcia

Finally, the glove episode! American Crime Story took the gloves off and then put them back on for ‘Conspiracy Theories‘ and we finally got to witness one of the most iconic moments from the trial of the century when OJ is asked to try on the gloves found at the scene of the murders. Obviously, they didn’t fit. Just when you think the prosecution has the evidence they so badly needed, the dream team gets clever and somehow convinces Darden to request that OJ try on the gloves. I had no fucking idea just how important this actually was but it essentially destroyed the one major piece of evidence that could have led to a guilty verdict. Much like Marcia I find myself asking if this is some kind of AA meeting or is someone gonna buy me a drink because I can’t even!

It’s unbelievable to think that so many big mistakes were made during the trial of the century but I guess that’s what happens when the entire world is watching under a microscope. I can’t even believe that if the DA had never asked OJ to try on the gloves, we may have had a completely different outcome. It’s almost unfathomable but it illustrates perfectly how important these gloves were. Plus, these gloves are easily the most famous gloves in the history of gloves. Good job, glove (yes I am aware of how dumb that sentence was).

So it’s time to break out all of the best glove puns because ‘Conspiracy Theories’ was definitely a labor of glove. Maybe it’s time they start referring to Los Angeles as the City of Brotherly Glove. And even though Marcia and Darden are involved in some puppy glove romance, it was definitely time for the gloves to come off because when push comes to glove…there’s only one thing to do and that is enjoy the review, fellow OJ fans! My sincerest apologies for all of those terrible puns.

Colombian Necktie

Things kick off with Shapiro’s legacy being questioned after Gil calls him out on the whole ‘race card’ thing. The last thing the District Attorney’s office needs is another race riot so naturally, tensions are high. Of course, this is not going to stop Johnnie Cochran and the dream team from continuing their narrative which Alan Dershowitz sums up perfectly: “It might sound like Cochran is phishing but he understands what we have to do: Present alternative theories that do not include your client. It’s not enough to just plead your client’s innocence. You need to provide a narrative, and not just in the courtroom, in the world. Look what the culture is becoming. The media…people…they want narrative too but they want it to be entertainment and what’s out in the world, osmoses back into that courtroom, sequester be damned. If there’s gonna be a media circus, you better well be the ringmaster.”  It’s a mad world, ain’t it.

"Did I leave the oven on?"

This ultimately leads to Dershowitz coming up with a plan but first, he must FAX said plan to Johnnie. Yup, there was no texting in the ’90s and faxing totally sucked balls. Luckily, fax technology was on his side and Doucheowitz (let’s just refer to him as that from now on, it’s funnier) is able to get his two word message into Johnnie’s hands at the perfect time. If you were wondering what ‘Colombian Necktie’ meant, don’t feel bad because I also had no fucking clue but it created a pretty masterful and tense scene as we all sat there wondering what this was leading up to.

A Colombian necktie, as Johnnie explains,  was a form of post-mortem mutilation that involved making a deep incision under the victim’s chin, through which the tongue is pulled out and left hanging down to resemble a necktie. Whoa, that is some hardcore shit right there but obviously the whole point of this is to have the jury think that this may have been a drug-related crime. I highly doubt that Nicole and Ron were murdered because Faye Resnick owed money to a drug cartel and Nicole and Ron’s deaths were a brutal way of scaring Faye. If this jury falls for this, they are beyond dumb and it totally reminded me of this hilarious clip from The Simpsons when Homer had to do jury duty.

Also worth noting…Marcia’s new hair style:

Perm-B-Gone

So ya, it’s not going to be easy for the defense who is really hoping all of these theories will put tons of doubt into the juror’s minds. Meanwhile, OJ’s best bud Robert is questioning why there hasn’t been any realistic theories about who committed the murder and I never thought I’d say this but I actually agree with a Kardashian for the first time in the history of the world. All of the conspiracy theories the defense is coming up with are pretty ridiculous so Kardashian’s question is surprisingly a good one. I’d be asking the same question if I was a juror but since I already know the verdict, I know they are absolutely 100% not considering this.

The dream team is interrupted by the latest episode of A Current Affair only this time it’s Johnnie who is in hot water because his wife and his mistress are spilling the beans about Johnnie’s two-timing abilities and Cochran reacts like any man who has just been completely busted by their partner for committing adultery:

FUCK!

‘Fuck’ is exactly what the prosecution is going to be saying by the end of our episode.

No Other Suspects

Who needs stories when you have cold hard proof?! The DA Is ready to take the gloves off and deliver a knockout punch when they find out that Nicole did, in fact, purchase the gloves found at the crime scene and at OJs. This is very important because now that they have proof that the gloves they found were purchased by Nicole, it looks wayyy more likely that OJ is involved, especially since they found one of them on his property (with blood on it).

Meanwhile, Shapiro is up to his usual douchebaggery, only this time he’s trying to convince Kardashian that their best move is to make a plea deal now that the prosecution has solved the mystery of the bloody gloves. He also suggests that Kardashian could go to prison for concealing evidence after he removed OJ’s garment bag from his home at OJ’s request. I didn’t realize there was an internal struggle within the dream team but I have to admit I’m not all that surprised since lawyers are involved. Kardashian takes the bait and immediately excuses himself so him and A.C. can see what’s in the bag but they find absolutely nothing. David Schwimmer stole the show this time around and I feel surprisingly bad for Robert, even if he’s a Kardashian. He is obviously having doubts about his friends innocence and there is no evidence pointing to any other suspects!

No Other Suspect

You tell ’em, Robert! Once again, I agree with Kardashian and the world has clearly imploded. OJ, meanwhile, is fucking pissed with Bob who seems to be trying to undermine his entire defense team. If I’m OJ, I’d be pretty pissed too knowing that my lawyer is trying to send me to prison with a plea bargain.

"Why you be half steppin'?"

In this case though, Bob is probably doing the right thing since OJ is totally guilty so keep half-steppin’ it up, Bob! I think now is an appropriate time to take a break from the trial of the century so let’s all have a drink…

Is this an AA meeting or is someone gonna buy me a drink?

…and enjoy Marcia Clark explain exactly how ridiculous and far-fetched the defense’s argument is. Sorry folks, but if you think OJ is innocent in all of this, you probably ate paint chips as a child because Marcia is totally correct with her sarcasm. Does anyone really think the LAPD framed OJ Simpson? I certainly don’t because this is Los Angeles and not Manitowoc County.

Darden comes up with a plan to have OJ put the gloves on in the courtroom but Marcia is surprisingly not in agreement. And in this particular case, Marcia is absolutely right because turning over control of a demonstration to the opponent is simply never a good idea. Time to put the gloves back on.

If The Glove Don’t Fit…

I didn’t realize this was going to be THE episode. Who would have thought a pair of gloves would be so detrimental to this entire case. This was easily one of the most iconic moments from the case and, had Shapiro and the dream team not decided to have OJ try the gloves on, we may not be watching American Crime Story right now. Unfortunately, Darden ends up falling for the defense’s trick and, after Bailey lets him know that they’re going to ask OJ to try on the gloves, Darden decides that he’s going to be the one to do it instead. My reaction, and yours, was exactly like Marcia’s:

Marcia surprised

Multiple face palms here, folks! Obviously Darden wasn’t expecting the defense to go to these lengths to trick him into doing this but man, he should know better because these are fucking LAWYERS. Just like Jigsaw always said…it’s time to play a game!

Cochran doesn’t object to this request even though he played it off as though he was going too and the prosecution is in big time trouble. When the case was actually happening back in ’94, this was pretty much everyone’s reaction:

That moment when drama is happening

As we all know, the gloves don’t fit and OJ is looking pretty fucking good now. Still though, I don’t think this is enough to prove his innocence. In fact, I’m pretty sure that just because the gloves don’t fit, this wouldn’t actually prevent OJ from stabbing someone to death.

“These gloves are too small.”

So why in the fuck didn’t the glove fit if OJ is guilty? Well, there are a number of theories about that. First, he’s wearing a fucking LATEX glove while trying it on, so that might be a factor. Second, there were rumors that OJ was taking medication for arthritis at the time but stopped taking the meds, causing swelling and inflammation in his hands. Hmmm….no wonder this episode was called Conspiracy Theories because there was a lot of them!  My theory: the gloves shrunk in the dryer. Yup, I like this one the best.

Episode Score: MIKEY LIKES GLOVES
Mikey Likes It

This episode might get a like simply because I enjoyed using the word ‘glove’ so frequently for this review. Once again, this series was able to provide more insight into one of the most iconic moments in the case and I had no idea it would be this entertaining. As much as I can’t stand dirty legal tactics (and lawyers with big egos), I will give credit to the defense here because if they had not manipulated the prosecution into thinking they were going to have OJ try the glove on, Darden may never have done it for them and we probably would have had a completely different outcome.

This episode was a cut aglove the rest (sorry, I couldn’t resist). I have been thoroughly entertained as we relive the OJ case in its entirety but I especially enjoyed this episode if only for the final scene. Who in the hell knows why the glove didn’t fit, all I know is that I still think OJ is guilty and we haven’t even seen the DNA evidence yet. As I stated earlier, the LAPD didn’t frame OJ because that is completely ridiculous, but the jury might start believing all of these conspiracy theories now that they think the gloves don’t fit.

I was also pleasantly surprised with Kardashian’s doubts. Friend or not, I think it would be hard to ignore all of the evidence pointing to OJ and I think Robert is really struggling with this as the trial progresses. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be possible to feel a little bit sorry for a Kardashian but here we are. Additionally, I can’t say enough good things about Sarah Paulson who has officially become a TV superstar. I’ll definitely buy you that drink, Marcia!

So what did everyone think of ‘Conspiracy Theories’? Do you have any theories of your own about the glove? Or are you ready to give yourself a Colombian Necktie in order to escape the madness that is the OJ Simpson trial? Let us know in the comments and thanks for reading, fellow crime enthusiasts. Also, become a juror and vote below! I say GUILTY!

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