American Horror Story: Coven ‘Protect The Coven’ Review

Hostile Takeover

The 3rd last episode of Coven came and went last night and I gotta say I was a little bit disappointed with the way things unfolded. To me, this episode seemed to be more of a filler episode to set up the final 2 hours. That said, this happens every single season on this show, so I am just going to be patient.

I mean, Queenie randomly shows up with LaLaurie on a leash (and put back together) and the Axeman and Spaulding are somehow running around communicating with the living and murdering corporate executives and snatching babies, respectively. And there is no explanation as to how this is even possible!!!

Of course, AHS always does seem to wrap things up every season and last night’s epiosde, titled ‘Protect the Coven’, did a great job of “setting things up” for the grand finale!!! And for those that really like horror with lots of blood and gore than this episode was definitely for you because AHS upped the bat shit crazy level to EXTREME BAT SHIT CRAZY! In other words, there was a lot of blood…just not enough story!

And now my review…

The Origins of Monstrosity, Pt. II

Yes, the above title is a shout-out to AHS: Asylum’s sixth episode but I see a lot of similarities between LaLaurie and Bloody Face from last season in the sense that they are both sadistic and twisted serial murderers and torturers. And the beginning of the episode gave us a little more insight into just how bat shit crazy LaLaurie really is. Case in point:

LaLaurie and her victim

I really hope no one is eating dinner while reading this review. Especially considering it is only going to get more f’d up as we go!!! Just warning ya!

But before we get to the disembowelment, we get to see exactly how LaLaurie ended up in New Orleans and apparently, she thought it was a shit-hole when they first arrived back in 1830. See, LaLaurie came from a very wealthy background in Paris where she would never have had to chop the head off of a chicken herself–until she arrived in New Orleans that is. And you know what they say about chopping the heads off animals–its like the gateway drug to serial murder!!!

So LaLaurie takes her newly re-found sadism and decides that the injured black man should be next up on her ‘to-kill’ list. There is definitely something important about LaLaurie’s obsession with blood though as you may have noticed that she paid a lot more attention to our African-American victim after touching his blood on her fingers. I guess this is where she decided to start experimenting because as soon as she touched that dude’s blood, she decided that this would be the best place for him:

Apparently LaLaurie is going to like New Orleans after all. Meanwhile, back in present time, we join the ladies of the Coven at Nan’s funeral (and I believe that is the same crypt where Misty was buried alive). Pretty cool shot of the ladies at Nan’s casket:

But the BIG news from the funeral is that a couple of important characters, whom I thought were dead, are back in the mix! It seems as though Queenie has the ability to also put things back together and somehow she was able to save herself from the Witch Hunter’s bullet AND put LaLaurie’s head and body back together. There is DEFINITELY more to this story and, based on the preview for next week, we are more than likely going to find out exactly what happened to Queenie after she shot herself in the head with a silver bullet. The ACϟDC song below should provide a BIG hint (it’s a Live version so check ‘er out!!!):

So looks like the band is back together and Queenie and LaLaurie are headin’ back to Witch Manor. Of course, we don’t really know how Queenie survived just yet but we do know that somehow Queenie was able to put LaLaurie back together without any scars (unlike FrankenKyle). And Laveau is not too happy about LaLaurie’s return due to their bitter hatred for each other. Oh, you girls!

Back at Witch Manor, we get a further look into LaLaurie’s deranged mind as she talks about her past while we also get to see exactly what is going on in the present. I love how LaLaurie used to come from a noble, wealthy family and is now subjected to being Fiona and Laveau’s servant. But the real fucked up part is LaLaurie talking about her childhood, where she kept to herself and usually found herself cutting limbs off of rodents and small animals to see if they would live or die. Yup, she is fucked.

And just because AHS didn’t want to stop there, they decided to serve us up a fresh bowl of…

…yup, if you guessed Poo Soup, you would be absolutely and disgustingly correct because I am pretty sure LaLaurie decided to use Madison’s poop as an ingredient in her Mulligatawny soup which she then served the Coven for dinner!

Sweet Dee

I dunno about you, but I gagged just like Sweet Dee (above) when they went from toilet bowl to soup bowl. BARF! But Myrtle’s screeching is always a delight…first she somehow brought the word ‘melonballer’ into the mainstream , and now Mulligatawny Soup! ❤ (minus the poo).

But we get right back to business when the gardener walks in bleeding and LaLaurie instantly has memories of her first murder. Can this show possibly get any more fucked up? Can it? You can probably guess what happens next–yup, LaLaurie ties up the gardener and disembowels the poor soul! W.T.F.

Baby Doll

So for some reason, Spaulding is back and can talk to LaLaurie. No idea how that is even possible but whatever, I’ll just keep my fingers crossed that they will actually end up explaining this part over the last 2 episodes. So Ghost Spaulding easily convinces LaLaurie to get him a new dolly in exchange for some magical poison to turn Laveau mortal again, but it’s really just Benadryl that will have zero effect on the Voodoo Queen.

So LaLaurie gets her poison on and drugs Laveau which has no effect whatsoever and leads to LaLaurie freaking out and doing this:

This, of course, did not even come close to killing Laveau since she can’t die. But Spaulding saves the day by bashing Laveau on the head and throwing her down the stairs (and telling LaLaurie to put her somewhere where she can’t escape). And he also takes the little baby Laveau had stolen last episode and makes it into his own, human doll for no reason whatsoever. Seriously, why the fuck Spaulding? Why!? We better get answers! Creepy, creepy stuff AHS!

Gettin’ The Axe

Over at Delphi Trust HQ, Hank’s daddy and his corporate buddy are trying to figure out what to do. They have a brief discussion about setting up a meeting with the Coven and I have to admit, it is the worst plan of all time. Basically, they have to set up this meeting in order to convince the Coven to get the government off their backs and Hank’s daddy thinks he’s going to be able to win them over with money (so they can build Delphi Trust back up and then exterminate the Witches). Wait, what? That’s your plan? This can only end badly for Hansel, Gretel and the rest of Delphi!!! And oh, it ends badly–very badly.

 It all gets started in the Boardroom, Trump style:

In this case, however, no one is getting fired and everyone is getting murdered with AN AXE:

Negotiations didn’t appear to be getting them anywhere so Fiona and Laveau brought the Axeman to take care of the Witch Hunter execs. And with that, there goes that little problem and the entire Witch Hunter story line. But not before Fiona does her best Trump impression and puts the final nail in Hank’s daddy’s coffin:

Bonnie and Clyde

Earlier in the episode, Delia and Queenie have an interesting convo about how Queenie survived the shooting at the Voodoo Salon. She survived a silver bullet but I know there has to be more to it than that. And based on the preview for next week, I get a strange feeling that Queenie actually went to Hell after she shot herself and met up with our Papa Shango friend. I can only hope and pray that this will be the focus of next week! Fingers crossed! Also, Delia decided that she was sick of not having her old powers and ripped out her eyes in the most horrifying way imaginable–with garden trimmers. But I just have this feeling that she is going to be completely bad ass for the final 2 epi’s (watch the Intro very closely next time), just a hunch!

Meanwhile, Zoe and a somewhat normal FrankenKyle are back at it again, this time taking on the mystery of how Nan died in the bath tub:

They discover that both Fiona and Laveau were responsible for Nan’s death, obvs! I have this sneaking suspicion that Zoe is going to end up being the Supreme. In my opinion, it can only be her or Delia (if only because she’s Fiona’s daughter) and I’ll be very surprised if it’s someone else.

After Zoe and Kyle solve the mystery, Myrtle ends up convincing Zoe that she needs to get the fuck out of dodge and head to Disneyworld for some fun in the sun. Myrtle hooks her up with Spring Break tickets for 2 to Orlando but not before she bitch-slapped Zoe right in the face for dissing FrankenKyle. Oh, Myrtle, you so crazy!

And finally, the episode ends with Zoe and FrankenKyle taking Myrtle’s advice and falling madly in love, as they head off to DisneyWorld to live happily ever after:

The only problem is this is AHS and there are never happy endings! So good luck you two, have a great honeymoon while it lasts! Not the greatest ending (in fact, probably one of the worst this show has had in 3 seasons), but I admit that I am curious how these 2 are going to end up back at the Manor because no way in hell are they making it to Orlando! And before I get to the episode score…

Season 4 Hints (Some Spoilers, Some Speculation)

So Ryan Murphy apparently hinted a couple of things about next season’s setting. First, we know it is being filmed in New Orleans or Santa Fe and if I had to guess, I’m leaning toward the desert setting for one main reason after last night’s episode. And ZOMG, if I am right, we are all in for a treat! Also, Jessica Lange is reportedly working on her German accent which actually gives us a nice little connection with that precious doll Spaulding acquired. The doll in question is a Armand Marseille ‘Dream Baby’, which is a GERMAN Bisque doll which came into popularity in the USA circa 1950’s (which is the exact decade Ryan Murphy already hinted at for next season). But wait, there’s more!

Myrtle also mentioned Harvester Ants and they also happen to be one of the world’s most venomous insects. AND, they also happen to be a big part of a 1954 (yup, the ’50’s again) horror flick (Them!) that featured GIANT RADIOACTIVE ANTS in the desert! That can’t be a coincidence, right? American Horror Story is about to go NUCLEAR next season, or at least I hope that is going to be the case.

Anyone not familiar with Them!, check out the trailer below:

Episode Score: 8.0. Some good parts and some gross parts but not many questions were answered. Good to see the Witch Hunter’s are finally done with though and this will set up the final 2 episodes! Get ya popcorn ready!

With only two episodes left, I imagine that next week is going to finally answer some lingering questions. Anyways, as per usual, check out the preview of next week’s episode, titled ‘Go To Hell, and hopefully this means we will get some answers as to why Queenie is still alive and why all these dead people are running around like it’s no one’s business. Somehow, me thinks Papa Legba has something to do with this 😉 Til next week, enjoy!