American Horror Story Coven: ‘The Dead’ Review

Fit For A Queen(ie)

Last night’s episode of American Horror Story, titled ‘The Dead, had some interesting scenes but for the most part I feel it lacked something in the action department. Plus, no Lily Rabe the entire episode simply makes me sad 🙁 And where the hell is MYRTLE!? The last time we saw her, she was enjoying a mud bath at Misty’s Spa, but this episode failed to make any developments whatsoever on this side of the story, and for the first time this season I felt rather disappointed.

That said, there were some solid performances last night and the end of the episode was pure AWESOMENESS! But again, I just felt this episode lacked the usual ‘bat shit crazy’ moments that we come to expect from AHS! Madison and Queenie (and, of course, Marie Laveau) stole the show… and the entire bit with Fiona and the Axeman moved along just a little too slowly for my liking– to the point that I don’t really care what happens between those two. Although I think it is very clear now that Fiona is going to be our main villain for the rest of the series– anything else would make no sense. After all, she is a murdering Supreme who is now having a love-affair with the Axeman of New Orleans.

Of course, Queenie’s betrayal was the highlight for me as it changes up a big part of the story and makes things a lot more interesting with the Voodoo Queen! I am super excited to see where they go with this for the remainder of the season!

Also, keep in mind that… THERE WILL BE NO AMERICAN HORROR STORY NEXT WEDNESDAY! 🙁 I just want to get that little bit of disappointment out now so no one is surprised when they go sit down to watch next Wednesday and realize that it’s not airing because of the American Thanksgiving holiday. You’ve been warned!

And once again, to get things started, this show has re-ignited my interests in some old school music. This time, the episode opened up to Toto’s 1982 classic ‘Rosanna’– check it out below:

Now my review…

FrankenKyle Gets Some Upgrades

The episode begins with a flashback to Kyle and his frat buddies jamming to Toto at a tattoo parlor… Kyle says it best “Toto is AMAZE-BALLS!” The soundtrack for this season alone is a gem in and of itself… of course, it helps that this show is also amaze-balls!

The opening scene was pretty awesome if you ask me. The Fratboy crew has a deep conversation about life… and Kyle seems like a pretty decent guy if you ask me… can we have more pre-Frankenstein Kyle’s in this world please!? No Wile E. Coyote’s, Shamrocks or Saints logo’s for Kyle… well, at least up until the accident…

…because now he has all of his frat friends body parts and, unfortunately, they threw in the tattoo’s for free! This clearly upsets FrankenKyle as we head back to present time where Kyle is chained up and crying over his new tattoo’s. Poor Kyle, I actually kinda feel bad for the guy! Zoe does too:

So she decides that she needs to shoot Kyle and put him out of his misery. But then, all of a sudden the writers had a total brain fart and the following happened:

Of course, this plan backfires completely when FrankenKyle decides to add a new move to his slowly growing repertoire of abilities:

Introducing the ‘GRAB’ move! So Kyle grabs the gun from Zoe easily and decides that he would rather shoot himself because, ya know, that’s so much easier:

Which then, for some fucked up reason, Zoe decides that she doesn’t want FrankenKyle to die all of a sudden and stops him from shooting himself… um, wait, what? Didn’t you just want to put him out of his misery like 5 seconds ago Zoe… make up your bloody mind, girl!

Also, on the subject of firearms, I think now would be an appropriate time to bring up the fact that Hank the Witch Hunter is a gun nut:

Nothing else really happened with Hank except for the above image… he is getting drunk with his guns and drunk-dialing Delia (who instantly rejects his drunken requests cus of the whole rape and murder thing)! Not a good week to be a Witch Hunter apparently.

The Bridges of Madison Montgomery 

It was so good to see Madison, played by Emma Roberts (daughter of Julia Roberts), returning to the Coven! She has always been an interesting character and her opening scene was just plain brilliant. I’ve reproduced her little monologue from the beginning of the episode. I really thought it was ingenious and deep (with a little bit of humor to go with it). And the cool part is that she sorta explains the effects of coming back from the dead. Check it out:

“I am a Millennial. Generation Y. Born between the birth of AIDS and 9/11, give or take. They call us the ‘global generation’. We are known for our entitlement and narcissism. Some say it’s because we’re the first generation where every kid gets a trophy just for showing up. Others think it’s because social media allows us to post every time we fart or have a sandwich, for all the world to see. But it seems that our one defining trait is a numbness to the world. An indifference to suffering. I know I did anything I could to NOT feel… sex, drugs, booze. Just take away the pain. Take away my mother and my asshole father and the press. And all the boys I loved who wouldn’t love me back. Hell, I was gang-raped and two days later I was back in class like nothing happened. I mean, that must have hurt like hell, right? Most people never get over stuff like that and I was like ‘Let’s go for Jamba Juice’! 

I would give everything I have or will ever have just to feel pain again. To hurt. Thank God for minor league Fiona and her herb garden. One advantage of being kinda dead is that you don’t have to sweat warning labels. There was this one brown liquid that I thought made my nipples tingle for a second but I think it was psychosomatic because I polished off the rest of it and didn’t feel shit! I tried every eye of newt and wing of fly until I found something that made me NOT look like Marilyn Manson anymore. 

And that’s the rub in all of this, isn’t it? I can’t feel shit. I can’t feel anything. We think that pain is the worst feeling– it isn’t. How can anything be worse than this eternal silence inside of me. I used to not eat for days or eat like crazy and then stick my fingers down my throat. Now, no matter how much I binge, I can’t feel this hole inside of me. I can’t take it anymore. I think I’m going bat shit. I need to do something.”    –Madison Montgomery

And boy she does something alright:

Looks like Kyle is making a ton of progress this episode! First, he upgraded his smashing ability by adding his ‘grab’ move, and now he’s full out sexing Madison up! So Kyle can smash, grab and pump now… and not only that, the part of the story ends with Zoe joining the two undead for, well, a picture is worth a thousand words, isn’t it?

Zoe, FrankenKyle and Madison be getting it on. I swear, only on this show is it possible for a young Witch to have a threesome with a dude who is now some sort of undead Frankenstein monster and another fellow Witch– who also happened to die and come back to life (yup, totally just wrote that sentence). Also, Madison was the one responsible for Kyle’s death in the first place– AWKWARD! Needless to say, I don’t even think it’s possible for this show to get any more fucked up!

Tongue Twisters

With Madison back on the scene, it was only a matter of time before someone was going to solve the mystery. Obviously, Madison has no clue how she died, but Delia, with her new ability to see into people’s pasts, is able to confirm that Fiona, her own mother, is the one that killed Madison.

Delia, still getting accustomed to her new disability, starts bumping into a bunch of stuff as she wanders through the Academy halls, until she bumps into Madison and has a vision of Fiona killing her. And, for some reason, this new discovery completely surprises Delia:

Finally they figured it out! Maybe Fiona will finally become the real villain (and based on next week’s preview, it looks that way). So with Delia having this new info, she decides to have a chat with Zoe, whom Delia thinks is the next Supreme. And as we all know, Fiona doesn’t  take kindly to new Supreme’s.

But of course, none of this happens in this episode and now we have to wait TWO WEEKS to find out what happens… Mikey. Dislikes. Delia, with this new info, instantly goes to Zoe to warn her about Fiona. Zoe finally realizes that this all makes sense and, in complete BAD ASS fashion, Delia says this:

So the plan is to kill Fiona somehow. First though, Zoe needs some confirmation that Fiona was, in fact, the one who killed Madison. So she heads up to the attic to have a chat with our creepy friend Spaulding!

And guess what!? The cat doesn’t have his tongue anymore because Zoe reattached his original, still ENCHANTED tongue:

Pretty smart, Zoe. Knowing that Spaulding wouldn’t be able to lie, she reattached the tongue and interrogates him to get the truth– finally! Also, LMAO at Spaulding’s first reaction to being able to talk for the first time in years! Loved it!

With the enchantment still in place, Spaulding spills the beans on Fiona and Zoe decides that he is now useless and stabs him in the heart:

I’d say odds are at 4:1 that Spaulding comes back to life in some capacity based on the fact that almost every single character has been resurrected somehow. But with Spaulding’s death and both Delia AND Zoe finding out about Fiona’s little secret, a shit tornado is about to run its course straight through the Coven! Can’t wait to see what happens next!

The Axeman Boreth

What to say about this. Where do I even start. All I know is that every time the Axeman was on the screen with Fiona, I got up and grabbed a snack. These two bore the hell out of me for some reason. I don’t really know why, but the entire story about Fiona getting old and needing to get it on with the Axeman has just been a big yawnfest for me… so fingers crossed that this starts to go somewhere soon. Luckily, though, both Delia and Zoe now know that Fiona is a murderer so things are going to get very interesting… unfortunately, it was not this episode 🙁

It was Zoe who released the Axeman last week in order to save Delia’s life… and now the Axeman has ‘hooked up’ with Fiona at her favorite local bar. I’m not going to go into details because these scenes weren’t that entertaining but there were a couple of things worth mentioning.

First, they head back to the Axeman’s place… but it really isn’t his ‘place’ since he’s been dead for the past 94 years. But it is THIS guy’s place:

The Axeman is renting it out for now and hosting a little one-on-one with Fiona and some Jimmy Beam. The Saxman Sexman Axeman makes a bunch of sexual innuendo’s and the two get it on for no good reason…! Blah, this story is not going anywhere fast, is it?

Fiona, being a Witch, obviously knows about the dead body in the bath tub and that is when the Axeman decides to tell her a little story from back in the day. And as it turns out, it was no coincidence they met in that bar after all. Apparently, when Fiona was a little girl, she had a problem with authority. And to be honest, I would have a problem with authority too if they wanted to spill a glass of fucking milk all over me!!! I mean, what the fuck! Who randomly decides to be THAT big of a bitch and spill milk all over children… this girl needs to spend some time in Briarcliff, me think!

Luckily for the other kiddies, little Fiona doesn’t take too kindly to dumb asshole bitch’s and throws the milk in her face. So the random bitch pushes Fiona onto the ground cus, ya know, apparently there are no laws against beating up little kids. Of course, the child beater didn’t have too much time to wipe that dumb smirk off her face because…

…the Axeman’s ghost dropped a cabinet on her! Now THAT’S karma at its best. Apparently, the Axeman was trying to protect Fiona, much like our dead friend Spaulding. Oh, and he’s also in love with her– go figure! I had a feeling he wasn’t going after Fiona to kill her!

Later on, we find Fiona back at the bar with the Axeman and it looks like she has had a change of heart and buys the Axeman a drink! So ya, this whole story was rather drawn out just to get Fiona and the Axeman to team up! It appears as though Fiona is probably going to use the Axeman in some way– especially now that Delia and Zoe know about her murdering ways! Just wish we didn’t have to sit through all the boring convo’s with the Axeman to get there.

S&M Bonding

The end of this episode left us with a bit of a cliffhanger and it was a good one. We first meet up with Queenie and LaLaurie as they are doing a little bonding over Queenie’s favorite past time. If you guessed food… well, you’d be correct because Queenie’s idea of bonding is heading straight over to the local drive-thru:

To be honest, I really enjoyed watching these two on screen together. Their characters are so unique and different– not to mention the fact that LaLaurie used to torture black slaves back in the 1840’s! So, it was refreshing to watch Queenie showing the old maid around town and getting her accustomed to the 21st century.

LaLaurie suggests to Queenie that her other Witch ‘sisters’ will never see her as their sister because she’s ‘black’… but I dunno if LaLaurie realizes that this ain’t the 1800’s no more! It might not be wise to take advice from an ‘immortal racist’… you said it yourself Queenie.

So with the trust issues being planted in her mind, Queenie makes a trip to the Voodoo Lady and they have an interesting chat over Gumbo:

Obviously Laveau hates these Witches and who can blame her? So to get Queenie on Team Voodoo, Laveau totally plays the race card and suggests that she is never gonna be treated like all the other ‘white’ Witches… and she also makes her an offer of admission: bring her LaLaurie and she can become the newest member of Team Voodoo. And even though Queenie has her human voodoo doll power, it seems she is still a Witch as Laveau implies when she says that mixing her witch blood with the House of Voodoo, no Supreme would be able to touch her… hmmmm! I think the choice is obvious! So Queenie and LaLaurie continue their little S&M Bonding sesh with a trip to the ole hair salon:

But Queenie has other things on her mind. And by other things, I mean setting up LaLaurie (after hearing LaLaurie’s flashback baby murder story– geez AHS) so she can join the House of Voodoo! HOLY SHIT! FINALLY! So looks like we have our first traitor from Team Witch and now maybe we can finally have some epic showdowns between the two houses! A showdown between Fiona and Laveau would be soooo EPIC so I can only hope this is the start of the REAL showdown between them– with their own theme music! Picture this– Angela Bassett (as Laveau) making her entrance to Jimi Hendrix’ ‘Voodoo Child‘ right before her showdown with Fiona! My god… if that happens… 🙂

So with LaLaurie taking the bait, the Voodoo Queen locks her right back up in a cage:

We also learn a little more about that bloody concoction that LaLaurie was rubbing all over her face in the very first episode. This time, however, after asking Queenie to ‘make the first cuts’, we see Laveau getting her potion on and rubbing blood all over her face in the same manner LaLaurie had done back in the 1800’s! I think it’s safe to assume that LaLaurie’s blood was used here (possibly because of her immortality– I’m not really sure). What is really fascinating about all of this is that both Laveau and LaLaurie had used this same type of ‘skin’ treatment– so it’s only a matter of time until we find out more about what is keeping these women alive and young!

While I was very disappointed that Misty and Myrtle didn’t make an appearance, at least we had Queenie bringing LaLaurie to the Voodoo People! This should put more focus on Laveau and hopefully we will get to see more from the Voodoo Queen.

Episode Score: 8.0 – In my opinion, not the greatest we’ve seen from this show… not even close. I gave the other 2 points to the writer who came up with Madison’s Monologue– it was AWESOME! Still though, there were some pretty interesting plot advancements towards the end. And even when AHS puts out an average episode, it is still way better than most crap on TV these days (did anyone else see Ironside, LOL– really NBC? Cancelled after 3 episodes and I called that when I saw the preview– what a waste of everyone’s time and money. I think it’s time to start coming up with some ORIGINAL and GOOD ideas for once maybe? MIKEY DISLIKES!)

It also looks like we’ll finally be getting some answers with respect to Myrtle and Misty! Too bad we have to wait TWO FREAKING WEEKS! Check out the preview for ‘The Sacred Taking’ below, just don’t forget that it doesn’t air until December 4th (sigh) because of American Thanksgiving. Enjoy, and to my American readers, eat lots and lots of turkey next week! OM NOM NOMS!