“An emotion is like a flavor in my mouth, I can taste it.” -The Countess
As soon as we rolled up to the Murder House, I just knew this was going to be something special. American Horror Story Hotel just blew my mind yet again by taking us back to the Murder House in 1926 when the Montgomery’s were running a home abortion clinic out of their basement. Charles Montgomery returned to the action as well, this time for a meeting with The Countess, and it was oh so good to finally go back to the house that started it all.
But wait, there’s more. A lot more. So much shit went down during Room 33 and our story has changed dramatically since we checked in. One of our main characters ended up very dead at the end and even the Swedish Meatballs returned for some fun at the Hotel Cortez. And really, isn’t that why we all got hooked in the first place? This series is very good at telling a story and they can literally change up an entire season with one episode. I love the unpredictability and I especially love watching these stories take a turn for the bat shit crazy. Room 33 was one of those episodes.
Plus we also learned a whole lot more about the thing that lives in Room 33 and it made a lot of sense, even with the 1926 connection to Murder House. I was surprised and entertained throughout this episode although I will admit there are some stories that are getting a little too repetitive for my liking, right John Lowe?
Still, Room 33 may have been the best episode of the season up to this point. So quick, get aboard the crazy train (or the Fast and Furious ride if you prefer) and enjoy the review, fellow guests.
Back To The Beginning
I still can’t believe the episode started with The Countess rolling up to the Montgomery Murder House. I knew this was coming but I certainly didn’t expect it to come this early in the season. They didn’t waste any time getting right to it and The Countess meets up with one of our old friends, Dr. Charles Montgomery and it was nice to see actor Matt Ross reprise his role as the insane doctor.
Also potentially noteworthy, The Countess got his name from someone by the name of Margaret Gibson, who also happens to be a real-life actress. Is this another clue for next season’s setting? Maybe but I’ll be damned if I know what that connection is.
We learn that The Countess is prego’s and the sole reason for her visit to the Murder House is because she is in desperate need of an abortion. It was also revealed that she is only three weeks pregnant which she is clearly not, possibly due to the fact that she’s got a little vamp baby growing inside of her. I’m not a rocket scientist but I assume that these vamp babies don’t take the standard nine month delivery time.
Dr. Montgomery does his thing and removes the baby from his baby mama but there’s a problem. The baby is still alive and it’s hungry as fuck and it attacks Charles’ nurse and immediately proceeds to murder her for blood. First vamp kids, now vamp babies?! Jesus fucking Christ, show! I can’t even.
Back in present time, The Countess is having mad difficult trying to turn on Will Drake due to the fact that he is totally into dudes when it comes to the bedroom. He can’t seem to maintain an erection but The Countess lets him know that it’s not a crisis, but rather an invitation for adventure.
The Countess calls in Tristan to “fluff him up” so she can finish him off and even though Tristan is a bit apprehensive at first, he realizes he has no choice in the matter. Is it just me or was there an overabundance of naked ass in this episode? Not that I’m complaining.
Later, The Countess finally pays a visit to Room 33 and we find out that the “thing in Room 33” is actually her child, the same child that Charles was supposed to abort years ago. It should be obvious that her baby cannot age or die given the fact that it also possesses the same virus as The Countess and I have no idea how anyone gets any sleep in this hotel of horrors.
John Lowe is still hanging around the Hotel Cortez and losing his mind. We still haven’t gotten much farther with his story and this whole 10 Commandments Killer thing is getting dragged along slowly. John wakes up to see his son, Holden, chillin’ beside him so he does what any good father would do and chases him through the hotel hallways. This leads him to the empty pool with the coffins where he finds his wife Alex taking a nap. John is surprised to see her and decides his best move is to try to wake her up in the worst possible way:
I’m pretty sure no one would enjoy waking up like that. Conveniently, John collapses from surprise or something along those lines and we already know everyone is going to think he’s cray cray when he tells this story. This leads us to another amazing song selection, this time we were treated to Depeche Mode’s One Caress and you can check it out below.
Alex freaks out over the fact that John has found her sleeping chamber and her and Liz come up with a plan to remove the coffins from the basement and that was exactly what they did. After waking up, John once again has no clue what happened or where he is. Alex tells him he’s bat shit crazy and that he’s having a psychotic break but John insists that they go back down to the basement to check it out. Lowe and behold (pun totally intended), the coffins are gone and John looks even more cuckoo than he did before. I mean, where’s he going to go for his morning swim now?
The Swedes also made their much anticipated return and they pay Donovan a visit to get some answers about the whole ‘being dead’ thing. He explains to them that if they don’t find a purpose they will be stuck in an unbreakable chain, repeating themselves over and over again, much like our hipster friend from last week who has an unhealthy obsession with Kale. And whether you like Kale or you don’t, I think it’s safe to say that it makes us all a little crazy.
I still can’t believe that is Darren Criss from Glee. Totally didn’t recognize him last week but he’s certainly a welcome addition to American Horror Story. So obviously our hipster dude wasn’t able to break the cycle and is going insane over some Kale and all of this reminded me of what happened to Misty Day in Coven where she is still in hell dissecting frogs. Poor Misty 🙁
Donovan tells the Swedes a story about Kara, an elementary school teacher who had so much love with no one to give it to so she ended up committing suicide at the Cortez where she sat in a tub for months decomposing. Please remind me to never stay in a hotel again.
Also, never drink the water on the 5th floor…gross! Kara eventually found her purpose though and obviously it involved murder. Still though, death means you cannot leave the hotel even if you find your purpose so the Swede’s may have to put their dreams of riding the Fast and Furious at Universal on hold for eternity.
The Swede’s decide that their purpose should also be murder and that was exactly what they did.
Did anyone else find it fucking hilarious when Swedish Meatball #1 was riding around on this dude’s back yelling “Fast and Furious” in a swedish accent? And that’s the beauty of this series. They take a couple of random characters from the premiere episode and bring them back into the story in the most fucked up way possible. Much love!
Alex finds the Swede’s and comes up with a plan to distract John. There is no better distraction than two horny Swedish tourists and so Alex decides to send them John’s way in an effort to keep him preoccupied. John, however, is already preoccupied with the 10 Commandments Killer and this time he’s at a crime scene in a church where things didn’t go to well for the local priest.
Yup, there was a lot of murder in this episode as per usual when it comes to American Horror Story. So obviously John is not dead since he can still leave the hotel but it is definitely possible that he could be the 10 Commandments Killer. I’m still hoping that isn’t the case because they have dragged this out way too long to give us the obvious answer. But there really are no other suspects at this point other than John. Does anyone have any other theories about this because I’m dying to know who is responsible for these murders and how it will tie back to the Cortez.
Later, John is seduced by the Swedish Meatballs and they end up having some very bloody sex while Nick Cave & The Bad Seed’s played in the background. There was a lot of blood and I guess that’s what happens when you have sex with dead bodies.
Of course, when having bloody sex you are bound to stain the sheets and that was exactly what happened. Those fucking Nordic types, no respect for fresh linens!
Ms. Evers is going to have her hands full with that mess and she hasn’t even collected the pillowcases yet! Seriously though, is there anything better than Ms. Evers this season? Mare Winningham has become everyone’s favorite laundress and she continues to drop line after hilarious line, all of which revolve around laundry. Mr. March also pays John a visit and lets him know that it’s good to see that he is finally checking in to the Hotel Cortez which leads to John immediately checking out. Oh, what a glorious stain!
Know When It’s Time To Run
Things really got turned upside down when we find out that Liz Taylor and Tristan Duffy are totally into each other. Didn’t see THAT coming. We know immediately that this is going to be a problem for the Countess since she chose Tristan to be her new man and who am I to get in the way of love.
These two make for such a bizarre couple considering they are both “not gay”. Ummm, I hate to ruin your party boys but last time I checked, you both have penises. So somehow, Liz and Tristan are madly in love with each other after only two weeks so how is the Countess going to take the news? Well, the answer to that is not very well.
The two lovers decide to keep their secret a secret for now but you just know Liz wants to rip the bandaid off and get it over with since they have no idea how The Countess is going to react. Lovers quarrel’s have never been so murdery.
Meanwhile, Ramona, Donovan and Iris put their plan into motion and it’s pretty straightforward if you’re into the whole child murder thing. They decide their best move is to kill everything close to The Countess so it’s not a good time to be a vamp kid in the Hotel Cortez. Donovan decides he’d rather go sniff panties and Ramona and Iris are left to do the dirty work. But as we already know, Liz and Alex got rid of the coffins. Unlike Sally who thinks kids are the best, Ramona isn’t too fond of the little bloodsuckers.
Since they can’t find what they were looking for, Ramona decides that it’s time to hit The Countess where it hurts the most and she asks Iris for the key to Room 33. And all I’m thinking at this point is you don’t wanna go in there, hun.
Is it just me or is Angela Bassett’s character a bit stale this season? She was truly amazeballs as Marie Laveau and Triple Tits but her Ramona Royale character has lacked the sassiness and pizzazz that made her other characters so memorable. I think her lack of screen time probably has something to do with this but Ramona is easily my least favorite Angela Bassett character so far.
Ramona enters Room 33 in search of Bartholomew (the Countess’s vamp baby) but he’s not an easy one to catch. Also, his eyes are creepy as fuck.
Ramona is unable to murder this thing for obvious reasons, the main one being that it’s a fucking MONSTER and Bartholomew escapes from Room 33. Seriously, show? A murdering vamp baby on the loose in the Hotel Cortez? Did anyone see this coming? I didn’t think so.
After her encounter with the vamp baby, Ramona is asked to leave the hotel by Liz Taylor but not before he lets Ramona know about his new love interest. Liz Taylor is adamant that The Countess will totally understand but interestingly, Ramona thinks his best move is to run the fuck out of the hotel and I completely agree with her.
Upon her return from Paris, Liz Taylor decides it’s time to have “that” conversation. You know, the one where he tells her he’s sleeping with her new lover. Also, who else fucking loved that green dress Gaga was wearing! Total amazeballs in every way. Apparently though, The Countess did not learn about sharing when she was young and you can tell she is really not cool with this situation.
The Countess can totally taste emotions and she let’s us know that joy tastes like strawberries, hate tastes like ice chips and a martini, love is rose water and American Horror Story tastes like your nightmares. But she doesn’t like the taste of betrayal because it tastes like the char on a piece of burnt meat. And since the Countess prefers her meat bloody rare, things are not looking good for Liz and Tristan.
Honestly, the sad part about all of this was that Tristan and Liz were not wrong. The Countess will eventually move on and everyone knows it so I’m not sure why she cares so much if Tristan ends up with Liz. Bitches be crazy.
The Countess really hates sharing though, so much so that this is what happens to Tristan Duffy:
Wait, WHAT!? Tristan is super fucking dead and The Countess is a super jealous bitch. I cannot even believe this happened already! So it looks like we have learned to NEVER fuck with The Countess. Also, what in the hell is going to happen to Tristan now that he’s dead? I’m assuming this is not the last we have seen from him considering all of the ghosts running around in the hallways. Also, how is Liz going to react to all of this? Will she join Iris and Ramona on their quest for revenge now that The Countess has taken away her one true love?
Personally, I didn’t like Tristan all that much so I’m not really sad to see him go (plus he’s definitely going to be back in ghost form) but I certainly wasn’t expecting him to die at the hands of The Countess. It looks like all she has left is Will Drake and we all know what she wants from him so I have no idea where this is going and that’s definitely a good thing. Things are getting very, very interesting at the Hotel Cortez to say the least. And that wasn’t even the end of the episode.
The Thing In Room 33
After John checks out of the hotel, he decides that he should probably go take care of his other child, Scarlett, but what he doesn’t realize is that the thing from Room 33 has managed to escape the Hotel Cortez by hiding out in his suitcase. Uh oh! Scarlett’s upset over the fact that both of her parents have abandoned her and John starts to slowly lose his mind after he remembers his bloody sexcapade with the Swedish Meatballs.
He immediately gets his gun after realizing that something came back with him from the Hotel and decides to scare the living shit out of his daughter by firing off three rounds in the house.
This obviously scares the living shit out of Scarlett who runs away but at least John was able to wound the thing from Room 33 as it left behind a trail of blood in the kitchen for all to see.
After helping John relax after this incident, Alex finds the thing from Room 33 hiding in the bushes at their home and she fixes him up since he was shot by John earlier. The Countess thanks her for saving her son so it looks like Alex is in her good books…for now. Eventually you just know she’s going to find out about Measles Boy and his army of vamp kids and that may not end well for Alex.
We also got to finally see what little Bartholomew looks and let me tell you…it’s not pretty. In fact, it’s disturbing as fuck knowing that this monster lives in the Hotel Cortez.
Fucking hell, I may never sleep again. This baby is literally one of the most disturbing things I have ever seen. I mean, look at that face. And those teeth. Seriously though, how is this all going to play out? Obviously Ramona and her crew of revenge seeking vamps are going to attempt to kill Bartholomew to extract some revenge on the Countess but how are they going to kill this crazy demon child?
I was ecstatic that we got to visit Room 33 but never in my wildest dreams could I have expected this. Once again, American Horror Story turned our story in a new direction by introducing this new breed of vamp baby. And even though I am probably going to have nightmares for the rest of the week, this was the epitome of what AHS is all about. Bat. Shit. Crazy.
Episode Score: MIKEY LIKES IT (but is terrified of that vamp baby)
This may be my favorite episode of the season so far. Somehow this show continues to top itself week after week and returning to the Murder House had me screaming with excitement. The plot has literally been dropped on its head after this one and it’s safe to say that I have no fucking idea what is going to happen next now that the Countess officially has no one on her side (except maybe Alex…for now).
Seeing Dr. Charles Montgomery’s return to attempt an abortion on the Countess’s vamp baby was the perfect way to connect Murder House with Hotel, it’s just too bad that we didn’t get to see Lily Rabe return as Nora. How cool would THAT have been? I’m really hoping this is not the last connection from other seasons and, even though the Murder House only made a brief cameo, it totally worked in every way. I’m still thinking Madison Montgomery is going to show up at some point. Fingers crossed.
And how abut Tristan? I never would have expected Finn Wittrock’s character to be killed off this early but, as we all know, dying never actually means your dead on this show and I can pretty much guarantee we haven’t seen the last of Duffy. Now we just need to find out who the 10 Commandments Killer is and we’ll be all set!
So what did everyone think of Room 33? Would you spend a night with that vamp baby or are you firing rounds at it in front of your daughter like John did? Let us know in the comments and thanks for reading, fellow guests!
I also came across this amazing timeline of every American Horror Story event to date. If you’re as big of a fan as I am, you’re definitely going to want to check this out. And be sure to vote for your favorite character from Hotel below:
With so much shit going down this week, I have no idea what to expect going forward, as is usually the case when it comes to American Horror Story. I think that is part of the reason I love this series so much, it’s so unpredictable and the story literally gets flipped on its head with every single episode. I’m sure next week’s episode will be no different so check out the promo for ‘Flicker’ below: