Fear The Walking Dead: ‘Monster’ Review

Fear The Walking Dead 'Set Sail'

Fear The Walking Dead set sail for the season two premiere, titled ‘Monster’, and it looks like we’re on a boat, motherfucker! I have no idea what this all means for our characters but it certainly appears they have learned nothing from the first season. I admit, I was a little hard on these people for being morons last season but I’m quite amazed by some of the idiotic decisions that have been made so far and the premiere certainly did nothing to change my mind. Hell, if it wasn’t for Strand, I’m almost positive they would have let that entire raft of people on board which would have been really, really dumb.

Stupidity aside, the premiere does have me excited for the upcoming season. I welcome the new ocean scenery and I’m curious to see what awaits our families now that they have set sail. Plus, I’m really hoping for some zombie dolphins because that would be fucking epic! Right?! So far, it looks like our new crew of pirates is heading south to San Diego but I have a sneaking suspicion they are never going to reach their destination.

Madison, Travis, Alicia, Nick and Chris are very good at making terrible decisions and I’m quite surprised they have all managed to stay alive for so long. The premiere continued that trend and I’m starting to truly believe these people have no fucking clue what they are doing so I decided to compile a list of do’s and don’ts of the zombie apocalypse, based entirely on the events of each episode. Now let’s dust off the waterskis because it’s time to do some boating, zombie style. Enjoy the review, fellow swimmers!

1. Don’t Wait Until Nightfall To Board The Boat

The last time we left off, it was a beautiful sunny day with no one in sight. Clearly the perfect day for some boating. Instead, our characters wait until nightfall to start boarding Strand’s yacht and Maddie sums it up perfectly when she says, “I can’t see the boat anymore.” Duh. What the fuck did you think was going to happen by waiting until nighttime, especially considering everything looks like this:

Zombie Nightlife

Nick, Strand, Alicia, Ofelia and Daniel were able to make it to the yacht without any problems but, because they waited until nightfall, it appears some uninvited guests are on the way. If I’m a looter, I definitely have my eyes on Abigail so these morons better get moving or they could be in for a world of trouble.

Of course, all hell breaks loose on the beach before Nick can return so Chris, Travis and Maddie are left to pick up rocks to defend themselves. Yup, they didn’t even bring weapons and it’s pitch black out. This plan was an epic failure and yet everyone survives. Well, except this walker:

Motor Boatin'

Please folks, don’t wait until night to attempt this kind of a plan unless you plan on sticking your face directly into a boat motor.

2. Don’t Pick Up A Raft Full of Strangers

If it wasn’t for Strand, I’m pretty sure Maddie and Travis would have invited those rafters on board the yacht. I also think that would have been a remarkably bad idea considering people are fighting for their lives. While I do realize that these people are not quite as far along as Rick Grimes and his crew from The Walking Dead, I’m still quite shocked at the lack of common sense exhibited by our main characters. This was in full swing when the raft of survivors showed up begging for help.

Pirates of the Caribbean

Obviously, Travis and Maddie’s first reaction is to come to their rescue even though they have no idea if any of the people on the raft are infected. Plus, how in the hell do you plan on feeding that many people? Thankfully for all of us, Victor Strand is in the house, or should I say boat, to put an end to this nonsense. His response to Maddie’s request to save the rafties was straight to the point:

"That's funny."

It remains clear that Strand is a lot smarter than the rest of the people aboard his yacht. I think his inclusion is exactly what this series needs. It’s nice to see someone actually making some smart decisions and if it wasn’t for Strand, the rest of our survivors might not have ever made it this far. Thankfully, Strand decided that he wasn’t in the mood to save more people and if you ever find yourself on a boat at the outset of the zombie apocalypse, you should probably do the same and avoid all human contact. Oh wait, I already do that in real life.

3. Don’t Talk To Strangers

It didn’t take long for Alicia to get bored and, with her ex-boyfriend turning into a zombie last season, it was only a matter of time before she started looking for love in all the wrong places.

"Holla"

Nothing like the HAM radio dating game. At least the dude on the other end has good taste in music because David Bowie is obviously a music fucking legend!

Points were definitely awarded for the inclusion of that song. Alicia and the guy on the other end have a brief convo about how they ended up becoming pirates who are on an adventure to paradise. I’m immediately suspicious though as Captain Jack on the other end appears to be asking a lot of questions about the yacht. This is why you don’t talk to strangers.

Things get complicated later when Captain Jack informs Alicia that they’re taking on water and sinking fast. Captain Jack, who’s with his brother and sister in-law, reveals his location to Alicia and she immediately wants to come to his rescue. This guy is a complete stranger but hey, let’s just drop what we’re doing and go find these randoms. Luckily, Strand is enforcing his new boating policy and Rule #3 is in effect…it’s Strand’s god damn boat so they ain’t going no where. Problem solved and a valuable lesson learned.

Get these mother fucken snakes off my mother fucken boat

By the end, it becomes very evident why it’s never a good idea to talk to strangers via radio while at sea during the zombie apocalypse. That may just be one of my favorite sentences ever. Alicia tells Captain Jack that they are not going to be able to rescue them but Jack’s totally cool with this and says that he’s got her and that he’ll see her soon. Uh oh! This yacht is definitely no safe harbor for anyone, at least not while the Clarks are on board.

4. Leave Dead Bodies Behind

Why would you bring Liza’s dead body with you on the boat? Is a proper burial really that important during the outset of zombie armageddon? The answer is a definite nope and yet Chris and Travis are dead set on bringing the body with them, even if that means everyone will die in the process. I mean, just look at all the trouble they went through just to save Liza’s dead body.

Because you never know when your ex-wife’s dead body will come in handy.

I understand that this would be difficult to deal with but let’s not forget that we’re in the middle of a fucking zombie apocalypse. Seriously though, terrible idea all around. And that’s not even the worst part because this was what they ended up doing with her body:

Cannonball

Like, are you fucking serious? You almost get KILLED in the process of trying to save a dead body and proceed to dump the body into the ocean just because. At least Chris finally realized that Liza was dead weight (pun totally intended)! Also, I’m not even sure if it’s possible to SAVE a dead body.

At least Strand has the right idea. Let these idiots do whatever the fuck they want while sitting on a yacht with a drink. I’d be happy to join you, Mr. Strand.

“The whole world is ‘I don’t know’ right now.”

5. Fishing Is A Good Idea, Swimming Is A Bad One

At some point, food is going to become an issue. Heading out on a yacht with eight people is going to require quite a bit of food and thankfully this was addressed when Daniel and Chris decided to go fishing.

Plenty OF Fish In The Sea

Not a bad catch and apparently Fear The Walking Dead is now a fishing show! Also, it’s a pretty damn good thing they didn’t pick up those people on the raft or they would have had a helluva lot more mouths to feed. Still, I don’t know how long this fishing idea is going to hold up so it’s likely that our survivors will have to land ho soon. I guess that’s why they’re on their way to San Diego. First season we got to watch the Clark’s play a game of Monopoly and season two we’re going fishing, y’all! At least in this case the fish are a means to an end…that end being not starving to death while at sea.

Also, it’s official…walkers can swim. I guess that means we can call them ‘swimmers’. Sadly, they aren’t as cute as dolphins:

Swim At Your Own Risk

You might be wondering how this little guy got to the middle of the ocean and thankfully there was an explanation. If you guessed that another boat was shot the fuck up, then you would be absolutely correct!

Man Overboard

To make matters way fucking worse, there is a boat headed straight towards Abigail. Oh yes, this is getting good but I’m definitely not getting my hopes up until we see if this boat catches up to our crew. I predict that Captain Jack was trying to lure Alicia to their location and they are really just a bunch of crazy, drunk pirates who are out looting the sea. Aye matey, the sea is such a cruel mistress, especially when you can’t go for a swim.

The Verdict

Episode Score: MIKEY LIKES BOATING

Mikey Likes ItFear The Walking Dead’s second season premiere was the same kind of stupid we have come to expect from Maddie, Travis and the rest but I am absolutely loving the new setting. The possibilities are endless so let’s all hope that the writers don’t completely fuck this up. Plus, Victor Strand has joined our merry band of pirates and is clearly the only one thinking at this point. Finally!

To be completely fair, it’s actually super fun to make fun of every decision these people make. Still, I think heading out to sea at the outset of the zombie apocalypse isn’t such a bad idea. There is definitely a lot of intrigue around this new, blue setting and I’m excited to see what adventures await our crew.

We definitely learned some valuable lessons along the way so far. Obviously, it’s a terrible idea to try to drag a dead body onto a boat while Zombie Armageddon is literally going down all around you (and don’t even get me started on the decision to board the boat in the middle of the night). I think it’s also safe to say that Alicia made a really bad decision by talking to strangers and I’m willing to bet that Captain Jack was one of the men responsible for committing mass murder on the high seas. Things are definitely getting interesting and I’m glad to see that the story is moving along A LOT faster than season one!

So what did everyone think of the premiere of Fear The Walking Dead? Are you doing cannonballs into the ocean like a champ? Or are you sinking straight to the bottom of the ocean like Liza? Let us know all of your thoughts and theories in the comments and thanks for reading, fellow swimmers! CANNONBALL!

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