Game of Thrones: ‘The Red Woman’ Review

Game of Thrones 'The Old and the Beautiful'

“There’s always the Red Woman.” -Ser Davos

Game of Thrones is finally back and only three words come to mind after watching the premiere: Holy. Fucking. Shit. There is a lot going on in Westeros and Essos and ‘The Red Woman’ didn’t waste any time picking up where we left off last season. Jon Snow appears to be super dead but I imagine that bat shit crazy ending is going to have a huge impact with everyone’s favorite Lord Commander. Melisandre has always been a mystery, even in the books, and I am thrilled that we might be learning a lot more about her backstory as the season progresses. I still cannot even believe that big reveal at the end after she removed her ruby necklace. To say I was surprised is a complete understatement and I don’t think anyone saw this coming.

There are also still plenty of people to hate, especially Alliser, Olly and the rest of their traitorous band of douchebags. Thankfully, Davos and Jon Snow’s supporters are making plans to defend themselves but they might be in heaps of trouble because they are clearly outnumbered. The Red Woman is clearly going to have a part to play in how this goes down (and same with the Wildlings) but for now, Davos better not open that door for anyone.

Even more surprising was the fact that Dorne just became extremely relevant to the story after the Sand Snakes decided to become traitors themselves. I was in absolute shock at the events that took place in the Water Gardens, especially when you consider that none of these characters have died in the books….at least not yet anyways. The Lannister’s enemies are growing stronger by the day and King Tommen better watch his back if he plans on staying atop the Iron Throne and ensuring Maggy the Frog’s prophecy doesn’t come true.

Of course, there was a whole lot more going on around Westeros and Essos and we’re going to cover it all so whether you’re super old or super hot, get naked like Melisandre and enjoy the review!

Blind Spot

I’m going to start things off by discussing little Arya who now finds herself blind and begging in the streets of Braavos. She’s been breaking all sorts of rules with the Faceless Men and they decided that the appropriate punishment is to remove her sight, at least for the time being.

Blind Date

I was hoping they were going to skip this part because it wasn’t all that exciting in the books but I guess we’re going to have to watch as Arya slowly transforms into the faceless assassin she was born to be. Of course, being blind totally sucks especially when the Waif is around to make your life super miserable.

Think Fast

What a bitch! I guess no one said that being a Faceless Woman was going to be easy so Arya better get used to this whole ‘can’t see shit’ thing and fast. The Waif completely kicks the living crap out of Arya and she’s learning a lesson of why you shouldn’t go out murdering people on your hitlist after joining the House of Black and White.

This was pretty much all that happened with Arya and I really hope we don’t have to sit through an entire season of blind training because, to be honest, it’s kinda boring. Luckily, the rest of the episode was packed full of action, plot twists and unexpected murder…especially in Dorne.

Re-Dorne

Back in King’s Landing, Cersei seems to be doing a lot better after participating in the Shame of Thrones in last season’s finale and she’s ecstatic that her daughter Myrcella is returning. This excitement is immediately turned to grief, however, when Jaime returns with Myrcella’s dead body instead. Cersei is starting to believe Maggy the Frog’s prophecy regarding her children…they’re all supposed to die according to the witch, so it’s probably not a good time to be Tommen.

Meanwhile, Margaery is still locked up in prison and it’s pretty clear that this is the Westerosi version of Making A Murderer because Margaery has done nothing wrong. She’s visited by the High Sparrow who wants her to confess her sins but Margaery has nothing to confess. I kinda feel sorry for Margaery who is clearly a victim of Cersei’s tricks and it’s looking more and more likely that she’s going to be going on trial for her alleged “crimes”.

The biggest shock, however, came in Dorne. With news finally arriving that Princess Myrcella didn’t make it to King’s Landing alive, all hell breaks loose in the Water Gardens with the Sand Snakes putting the next part of their plan into action. I have to admit, this completely took me by surprise especially considering that all of these characters are still alive and well in the books. I guess this is why you should never turn your back on a sand snake.

Getting stabbed in the back...literally

I definitely didn’t see this coming and after taking out Areo Hotah, it was Prince Doran’s turn.

Weak Men Will Never Rule Dorne Again

Yup, stabbing the guy in the wheelchair is totally not cool but completely necessary to breathe some new life into the Dornish plot. And it fucking worked because now I’m super curious to see what these Sand Snakes are up to. This was completely shocking in every way and I certainly did not expect to see the Sand Snakes take out Areo, Prince Doran and Trystane in a matter of seconds. Speaking of Trystane, he almost had a chance to fight for his life but obviously, having just stabbed a guy in a wheelchair, these ladies don’t play fair.

Cheers and Spears

Yup, Trystane ended up taking Obara’s spear THROUGH HIS FACE! With so much death on this series, I find it pretty impressive that the writers are still able to find new ways of killing people off. Poor Trystane though…that looked like it fucking hurt. Nymeria’s reaction was exactly the same as mine:

Nymeria's reaction to spear in the face

So with Doran, Areo and Trystane completely out of the picture, the Dornish plot will now turn to Ellaria, Obara, Tyene and Nymeria. Usually I’m totally not cool with the show killing off characters that are still breathing in the books (R.I.P. Ser Barristan) but in this case, I welcome the change. Dorne was a complete dud last season but the season six premiere has put the sand snakes back on the map and I am fully on board with them joining the party for the Iron Throne, especially since they loathe the Lannisters. Things are about to get very interesting in King’s Landing with the Sand Snakes slithering around.

Rescue Rangers

Ramsay has returned to Winterfell where he’s mourning the loss of the Kennelmaster’s daughter, Myranda, who ended up getting pushed off the castle walls by Theon during last season’s finale. This is Ramsay Bolton though so there will be no proper burial. Instead, they’re going to feed her to the hounds since why waste good meat, right? God I hate Ramsay.

Sansa and Theon have escaped Winterfell and this poses a huge problem for the Boltons. Without Sansa, Ramsay won’t be able to give the north an heir. The Boltons need the north on their side but no way in hell are they going to be backing up the Boltons without Sansa. I get the sense that this could be the beginning of the end for the Boltons and even their little search party is unable to recapture Ramsay’s bride.

Sansa and Theon are on the run with no injuries whatsoever, even though they literally JUMPED off of a castle wall. I’m not sure how this is even possible considering how high up they were but let’s just pretend that the massive amounts of snow cushioned there fall. Bolton man are hot on their trail and they’ve brought their trademark hounds with them so ya, you bet your ass Sansa and Theon are going swimming in the coldest looking water I have ever seen.

The Ice Bucket Challenge

I was very surprised to see the Bolton men catch up with these two but that was exactly what happened and all I was thinking at this point was how shitty Sansa’s luck has been. Of course, that is about to change because of THIS:

The Rescuers

Sansa was actually in the right place at the right time for once. Brienne and Podrick totally whooped some Bolton ass, with a little help from Theon, and it’s about fucking time that Sansa is with some people who actually want to help her!

Today Is Your Lucky Day

The big question is: What’s next for this new foursome? Are they going to head to Castle Black like Theon suggested? Or are they off to other parts of Westeros to gather the North in an effort to help take out House Bolton? All I know is that I’m so happy that Sansa is finally with Brienne, who has sworn to protect her. And who knows how this will impact Sansa’s relationship with Littlefinger, who was no where to be found in the premiere. Finally, Sansa’s in a position of safety but the same can’t be said about Meereen.

Khal Boro

Tyrion and Varys are chillin’ in Meereen but I don’t think they’re all that used to ruling in Essos because Meereen is pretty much fucked after Dany flew away. The Sons of the Harpy are still lurking in the shadows of Meereen and Varys and Tyrion must find a way to fix this but it’s clearly not going to be as easy as meat pie.

For Fucks Sake

Dany’s absence is causing chaos in Meereen and Tyrion and Varys are quickly learning that ruling an ancient empire is hard work, especially considering the city is burning. Tyrion and Varys didn’t even ask for this and now they have a handful of problems to solve. Tyrion should just grab a big bottle of wine immediately because he’s going to need it!

Meanwhile, Jorah and Daario are hot on Dany’s trail and it looks like Jorah’s greyscale isn’t getting any better. I hope they packed lots and lots of lotion.

Got any Neutrogena?

Obviously Jorah is doomed and I am expecting him to sacrifice himself for Dany at some point, it’s pretty much inevitable. Jorah is able to determine that the Dothraki have taken Dany but I’m not quite sure how in the fuck he was able to find Dany’s ring considering they were in a GIANT FIELD. This is like trying to find a needle in a burnt haystack and I’m pretty sure they could have came to the same conclusion without finding her ring. Regardless, Jorah’s super human vision has them on the right track.

Dany is definitely in some trouble though. She’s been taken by the Dothraki and is now a slave of Khal Moro, or should I say Khal Boro since this guy really lacked personality. His people are really desperate to get laid but they are also no strangers to a solid diss:

"Only when I was fucking your grandma."

Moro totally got burned. Eventually, Dany reveals that she was married to Khal Drogo which totally changes everything. Khal Moro immediately releases her as he’s not allowed to get it on with the widow of a Khal. Problem solved, right? Not quite because apparently Dothraki widows must go to the Temple of the Dosh Khaleen in Vaes Dothrak to live out their days with other widows of dead khals. Dany’s reaction to this news was spot on:

Are you fucking kidding me?

So it looks like Dany is heading back to Vaes Dothrak which we haven’t seen since the first season and I’m also willing to bet that Daario and Jorah will be making their way there as well. I’m not quite sure what it means to live out your days with a bunch of widows but I’m pretty sure this is not what Dany had in mind when she took off on Drogon’s back. She has a throne to win back after all.

For The Witch

At the end of last season, Jon Snow took many daggers to the gut and it obviously did not end well because Jon Snow appears to be super dead. I still don’t think he’s going to stay dead but that shocking twist at the end may provide us with a major clue as to what is going to happen next.

Davos, who has turned into one of the best characters on the show, eventually finds Jon Snow’s body in the courtyard and some of the Night’s Watch are pretty devastated by the discovery, including his close friend Dolorous Edd. These men are ready to go to war with Alliser Thorne and the rest of the turncloaks and I’m all for serving up a can of ass whoopin’ for the real traitors. Melisandre also joins in the mourning and she doesn’t quite understand how she saw Jon Snow in the flames, fighting at Winterfell.

Meanwhile, that prick Alliser is giving a speech to the rest of the Night’s Watch about how murdering the Lord Commander was the right thing to do which it clearly was not. Also, Olly is still a little shit and I’m pretty sure I speak for all of us when I say that I hope someone smacks that smug look off his face.

Masturtraitor

While it might be great that Ser Alliser never disobeyed an order from the Lord Commander, I’m 100% positive that no one commanded him to MURDER Jon Snow and obviously some members of the Night’s Watch are just as pissed off as we are about this turn of events. Of course, this is all leading to one thing and that is another war only this time it’s the good guys of the Night Watch versus “those fuckers” of the Night Watch.

Alliser Thorne and his crew of traitors finally decide it’s time to visit Davos and the rest of the Night’s Watch and Ghost can immediately sense their douchebaggery from behind the door.

The Ghost in the Room

Alliser, for some reason, thinks he’s in a position to make demands and offers Davos a free trip south but I’m pretty sure he’s not going to be leaving without a fight. Davos knows that if they open the door, they will all be slaughtered but they do have one wildcard in the form of the Red Woman (who also has an enormous set of boobs, just sayin’). They also have the Wildlings who will likely have Jon Snow’s back for saving them from the attack on Hardhome last season. A war is definitely brewing at Castle Black and I think Melisandre is going to play a significant role in how this all goes down.

Melisandre has always intrigued me but holy fuck I DID NOT see this coming and either did you. After removing her trademark red ruby from around her neck, Melisandre’s true form is revealed:

Female Gollum

Wait, WHAT?! Melisandre is actually a 97-year old woman who has been using blood magic to hide her true identity? Holy fucking balls, this absolutely changes everything and I have a zillion questions. Who exactly is this old woman and why has she made her way to Westeros? And what exactly will her role be with respect to Jon Snow? Obviously this was extremely important to our story and I am more curious than ever to find out what Melisandre’s true intentions are. Did I also mention that she has given birth to a shadow assassin?

Is it possible that Melisandre is going to disguise herself as Jon Snow? I think yes but only temporarily so she can scare off Alliser Thorne and the rest of his team of douchebags. Or maybe Jon warged into Ghost somehow and is going to end up in Melisandre’s 97-year old body? The possibilities are endless now but I definitely believe that Melisandre is going to be the one responsible for bringing Jon Snow back to life. You’ll remember another red priest by the name of Thoros who was able to resurrect Beric Dondarrion way back in season two and, seeing as they both worship R’hllor, it’s quite possible that Melisandre can do the same. Either way, Jon Snow is definitely coming back regardless of whether he knows nothing. And I can’t wait.

The Verdict

Episode Score: MIKEY LIKES MELISANDRE

Mikey Likes ItJust when you think you know what’s going to happen, Game of Thrones turns everything on its head. For me, this premiere was epic in every way and has set things up beautifully for the rest of the season. Melisandre’s true form has been revealed and I am positive that she will play a major role in bringing Jon Snow back to life. Maester Aemon somewhat foretold that this was going to happen when he tells Jon to “kill the boy and let the man be born” and, having seen Jon Snow fighting at Winterfell, I think his return is inevitable. The question we really should be asking ourselves is HOW!

The other huge twist from this episode involved Dorne, which has officially become relevant again. Last season, Dorne was under a lot of fire since nothing really happened until Myrcella received that kiss of death. Now that the Sand Snakes have taken out Prince Doran and Trystane though, they appear to be setting their own plan in motion to get revenge on the Lannisters.

Arya and Dany’s stories are moving along slowly but luckily Sansa and Theon have finally found some new allies. There luck might actually be changing and it’s about fucking time! Sansa has literally been to hell and back but now that she has Brienne by her side, I have feeling that no one will be fucking with her. Part of me thinks they will be making their way up north to the wall, like Theon suggested, but I think the best thing for them to do will be to unite the North to take up arms against the Boltons and win back Winterfell. Queen Sansa…I kinda like the ring of that.

‘The Red Woman’ had a little bit of everything and we haven’t even checked in on the Iron Islands, Littlefinger, Samwell or Bran yet. If this episode is setting the tone for the entire season, we are definitely going to be in for a treat.

So what did everyone think of the premiere of Game of Thrones sixth season? Were you completely shocked to find out that Melisandre is, in fact, Gollum’s twin sister? Or are you ready to take a spear directly through the face after watching? Let us know in the comments and thanks for reading! Also, be sure to check out the promo for next week’s all-new episode, titled ‘Home’, where I think Samwell is about to return to his hometown (although this is not hinted at whatsoever). Cheers and Spears!

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