Heroes Reborn: ‘Company Woman’ Review

Heroes Reborn 'Stupid Is As Stuid Does'

Heroes Reborn is almost over so let’s all thank our lucky stars for that. Company Woman continued this ridiculous story in the worst way imaginable and luckily there is only one episode left before Heroes is done for good. NBC has officially cancelled this disastrous reboot and no one should be surprised. I had very high expectations for the return of one of my favorite series and, unfortunately, the writers failed to meet any of them. This show used to be character driven with a ton of good stories but the reboot has been anything but, offering up boring characters with no personality and a story that should be flushed directly down the toilet.

Company Woman continued the trend with a ball of fire heading for Earth and the world going into panic mode with only 16 hours remaining until this show is officially dead. It was one of the worst hours of television I have ever witnessed and it’s pretty clear that everyone involved with this series has given up. Nothing made sense and I simply cannot wait for this to finally be over.

Most of the episode focused on Erica, the worst super villain to ever grace us with her presence, and we were forced to sit through her boring backstory about how she supposedly sacrificed so much for her daughter. To be honest, it didn’t look like she sacrificed much at all since some creepy douchebag with the power of healing did all of the work. It also looks like all of our characters have somehow reached their destination in record time. I didn’t think it was possible but apparently logic isn’t a thing on this show.

So sit back and enjoy one of the most nonsensical reviews you will ever read. And I swear it’s totally not my fault, I simply have to work with a garbage tornado of a story. Enjoy the review, fellow Evos!

Garbage Tornado

The 11:53 to Odessa finally arrives at its destination and it only took two entire episodes. Ren is back to make our lives miserable once again. He wanders his way into Gateway, looking more confused than ever which I didn’t even think was possible, and gives the guards some random name. Somehow, the name he gives them is on the list and he’s granted entry. Wait, WHAT!? Are you kidding me? He literally picked a random name and was somehow able to get inside without a hitch. I’m just going to assume that Otomo gave him this information because if he guessed a name out of thin air then I seriously need to start facepalming myself immediately.

"Where am I?"

Ren ends up getting acquainted with Emily and it was a rather lucky coincidence that he was able to bump into the girlfriend of the master of time and space, who also happens to be the person he is trying to locate. Ren must have a giant horseshoe shoved up his ass because there is no way he’s just randomly going to bump into the right people at exactly the right time. You’re super drunk show, go home!

Ren and Emily wander around Gateway and Ren has also gained the ability to speak perfect English, much like his wannabe girlfriend, Miko. I can honestly say that I have no idea what these two are doing or where they are going but they head off into an elevator and use the key provided by Otomo. Whatever this means, your guess is as good as mine. Just dumb.

Ren and Emily eventually find Erica’s office where that creepy scientist dude hangs out and they witness Otomo getting shanked with a needle. It should be pretty obvious that Ren and Emily are going to be the ones to somehow break Tommy out of his new prison (more on that in a bit). Of course, they should be worried about that solar flare that’s on its way…or the garbage tornado.

Meanwhile, Luke, Malina and their new friends Quentin and Phoebe also arrive in Odessa and apparently travel time is right fucked up in this series. Somehow Ren, who left hours before Malina and Luke, arrived at the exact same time and it literally makes no sense whatsoever but we’ll just roll with it since obviously the writers have completely given up. They make a pit stop at Primatech for who knows what reason and Phoebe and Quentin end up escaping rather easily into the woods. All it took was an easy push and away they go. Oh, and Quentin finally decided to join the good guys again. This was all so predictable and ridiculous. It’s so hard for me to even discuss this series now without laughing out loud at how bad the story is.

The next thing we know, Malina and Luke are at Claire’s old high school, possibly so the writers would try to remind us of how good this show was back in the day.

Claire Bear

Sadly, that is no longer the case because Heroes Reborn has been a complete train wreck from day one. I guess they’re looking for Tommy but they are clearly not in the right place but luckily, and conveniently, there’s a news crew hanging out in the school gymnasium so these idiots can get on television and find Tommy boy. But first, Malina totally makes a tornado out of garbage, possibly another metaphor for this series.

Garbage Tornado

Like seriously, I can’t believe she made a tornado out of garbage. If anyone ever needs a summary of this series, the above gif is the perfect answer. So after getting on the news, Malina’s former spirit guide conveniently sees this on TV, once again proving that the writers have completely given up.

It’s pretty obvious at this point that the entire world is not going to blow up so it’s only a matter of time before Tommy and Malina are reunited. Let’s just all hope they fail miserably.

Tailgateway Party

Tommy is still chillin’ at Gateway, the new version of St. Louis, and he’s running out of time before the world ends. You might want to start looking for your sister or I’m afraid the planet is doomed. So Tommy ignores his girlfriend’s advice and meets up with Erica so he can sit in a chair for a while.

Just Like Going To The Dentist

Of course, this is a very special chair that allows Erica and Renautas to harness Tommy’s power so they can simultaneously teleport the chosen ones to the future.

See Ya Later, Alligator

Good luck with that, folks! Erica needs to keep Tommy under control for the next 14 hours but Tommy is a teenager so you are totally gonna have your hands full, hun! Plus, since you’re the worst super villain ever, I’m putting all my money on Tommy leaving Gateway to go, you know, save the world. Plus, it didn’t help that he overheard some scientists talking about saving only 12,000 people instead of as many people as possible which leads to Tommy’s teleporting the hell out of there.

Parkman has also returned to Gateway and he’s brought a hostage in the form of Erica’s daughter Taylor. He’s also super pissed off about the fact that Erica decided to use him for her own personal gain. Parkman uses his power to have Taylor put a gun to her own head, possibly to give her a taste of her own medicine. Either way, it all made little to no sense.

You Like That?

Obvs Taylor isn’t in the mood to die so she pleads with her moms to save her but Parkman is busy making demands so he can get to the future and he’s really upset over the fact that Erica isn’t playing nice. Oh, also, Taylor’s pregnant and literally no one anywhere cares about this except Erica who gives Parkman his brand new collection of Apple Watches so he can get to the future.

After Parkman takes off, we are treated to a flashback from Erica’s past where she is by the side of her dying father. She is hanging out with an Evo who has the ability to bring things back to life, including Erica’s dad and this fly:

Pretty Fly For A White Guy

I’m not sure why anyone would want to bring back nature’s most annoying insect but I guess this sleazy dude made his point. He also totally pulls a Bill Cosby on Erica after doing this and I was really grossed out by the doucheyness of it all. Seriously, what is wrong with people? So after this little story, the mother-daughter duo are interrupted with the news that Tommy has vanished and Taylor’s baby ends up using its powers from INSIDE Taylor to blow up some glass. Yup, that sentence now exists. Also, I’m pretty sure Angela Petrelli said that Evo’s powers don’t manifest until later in life so this is rather impossible based on that information. Just more plot holes from the amazing writers at Heroes Reborn headquarters.

Taylor, being the awesome daughter that she is, ends up pulling a gun on her mom even after everything Erica did for her. This obviously leads us back into a flashback of a young Erica with her now healthy father and the whole conversation was super awkward given the fact that the Evo version of Bill Cosby totally took advantage of Erica. I can only assume this is how Taylor came into existence. Yikes!

Eventually, Erica is able to have her guards pull out numerous guns on her own daughter but Taylor is standing her ground.

Guns are the solution

She really wants to know where Francis is and it’s revealed that Erica actually had to have that creepy healer dude save Taylor’s life. So naturally, Erica takes a pair of scissors and stabs the guy in the back of the head. Did anyone feel anything for Erica because I certainly didn’t. Why the writers would try to start developing the characters now is beyond me but I honestly could care less about what happens to the Kravids and either should you. I guess it’s also worth mentioning that Erica is later visited by our good friend Piggy Bank who offers to erase her memory, which Erica refuses since she never wants to forget…ever. If this was supposed to be dramatic, it certainly was not and I cannot wait until the finale so I never have to watch another minute of this garbage tornado.

We check back in with Tommy after he teleported away from New St. Louis and he’s able to find his moms rather quickly so he takes her to the future to show her how fucked up the world is about to become. They head back to the present so Tommy can meet up with his sister but she’s still no where to be found. But since every single character in this show has the most amazing luck ever, Tommy’s mom whips out her phone and obviously it’s Malina throwing around garbage on the news. Once again…how convenient. I’m starting to think the laws of probability don’t exist on this show because the odds of everyone finding the right person or information they need at the right time is clearly 0.00001%.

Erica also sees the news story and she’s thrilled because she gets to send Otomo after them. Wait, what?! Why would she send that dude? I’m pretty sure he’s not even on your side, hun! I’m also not quite sure how Joanne was able to figure out that they were going to be at this particular school either, but she also showed up randomly since nothing makes any sense. All hell breaks loose after Joanne starts shooting off her gun like a mad woman which leads to a showdown between former lovers. And things did not end well for Joanne as she was literally burnt to a crisp by her ex hubby.

Toasty!

I’ll admit, that was pretty fucking cool but still, this show totally sucks balls. Also, it turns out that Malina was not shot because an invisible Farah was standing in front of her the whole time. Hopefully she stays dead this time. Oh, and Otomo was somehow able to capture Tommy as well by using his totally lame video game power. Nope, can’t make this stuff up even if I tried. As it turns out, Otomo has sent Tommy to the Eternal Fortress in Video Game Land where he’s obviously going to escape in the finale. I can’t even believe this all happened.

The Eternal Fortress

I really wish we were all out of continues.

Meanwhile, Parkman gets into a car accident after the solar flare causes a telephone pole to explode directly in front of his car and he ends up in a ravine somewhere while he is forced to watch his brand new Apple Watches float away.

Up Shit's Creek

Where’s Sylar when you need him, right? By the way, this was the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen as it literally served no purpose whatsoever.

So there you have it, that was Company Woman in a nutshell. I apologize if this review is a bit all over the place but I don’t have much to work with here since Heroes Reborn teleports from story to story so randomly that it’s almost impossible to keep up. This show is officially dead to me and I’m quite disgusted with the fact that they have ruined a series that I once loved. Shame on you NBC. Next time, hire people who are more creative to take care of the writing because the entire story has been a tornado of garbage. Mikey OUT!

The Verdict

Episode Score: MIKEY DISLIKES IT

Mikey Dislikes ItThis series has gone so far off the tracks that I don’t even know what to think of it anymore. I think using a tornado of garbage was the perfect metaphor for my feelings about this series. I have been unable to feel anything for the characters since the dialogue is so ridiculous and idiotic and the story has gone absolutely no where. It’s the same shit in a different pile every episode and this was hands down the worst episode the series has put together so far.

Sure, we got to see Luke incinerate the shit out of his ex-wife which was totally cool but everything else made little to no sense, especially Parkman getting into a random car accident and watching his new Apple Watches float away. And where in the fuck did Noah go? The last we saw of him he was teleported away before a flying car landed on his face. If I had to take a guess, my money is that Hiro somehow got his power back and was the one responsible for Noah’s disappearance but luckily we only have to wait one more week until the show is reborn out of existence.

Lastly, what was with those creepy flashbacks? First off, why should any of us give a shit about Erica! This is not the original Heroes and she is not even close to as interesting as Sylar. She doesn’t even have any powers for fuck sakes. Honestly, that flashback served absolutely no purpose except to waste all of our time and these writers should be ashamed of themselves for not being able to come up with anything more interesting.

So what did everyone think of Company Woman? Did it make you want to go out and buy a brand new Apple Watch? Or was it a giant tornado of garbage? Let us know in the comments and don’t forget to vote for your favorite Evo below. Thanks for reading, fellow Evos!

Thankfully, there is only one episode left. I am absolutely thrilled that I will never have to write about this series ever again. I’m so disappointed with this entire reboot. When someone gives you a second chance, NEVER follow in the footsteps of Heroes or you will never get another chance again. Be sure to check out the promo for the Heroes Reborn finale, titled Project Reborn, below: