This show is drunk. Just wandering down the streets of television, stumbling around and not having a damn clue where it’s going until it passes out on a park bench in its own vomit. It’s official, the writers of Under the Dome are not the new villains of Heroes Reborn, a series I used to watch religiously. Seriously, what in the hell happened? For the third straight episode, we were literally all over the place. Hell, I still can’t even wrap my head around the fact that Malina and her dumbass spirit guide walked all the way from the Arctic to St. Pierre, Quebec. That was easily the most impressive thing this fuckery had to offer.
I’m just so disappointed. The writing is a complete joke and the story makes little to no sense. Miko is trying to get her sword back but we have no idea why. Tommy is now all pissed off over the fact that he’s adopted. Get the fuck over it, you can teleport. And Iron Man has officially joined the series as Carlos. I could have wrote a better episode with my eyes closed. At least things are slowly coming together with Miko now joining up with Noah and Quentin. Malina is also on her way but it might take her seven episodes to travel from Quebec to Colorado.
Do we really have any villains on this show? Luke made for a good one but they turned that story upside down real fast and literally that leaves us with nothing. The reason the original series was so awesome was because of Sylar, who was one of the BEST villains of all time. Now were treated to Erica and her gang of scientists who are harvesting powers from Evo’s but not really using them for anything cool.
Now let’s get to it and recap all of the action, or lack thereof. Enjoy the review, fellow Evo’s.
After walking from the Arctic to Quebec, Malina and her spirit guide are supposed to meet someone so they can fulfill their destiny. Malina’s spirit guide promises Malina that she’ll be ready when the time comes but I don’t buy it. They are being tailed by one of Harris’ clones who is also really good at travelling very quickly.
Farah the spirit guide makes a phone call to Casper to bitch about the fact that her contact hasn’t showed up yet. A couple of things worth noting here. The contact is likely that guy that could turn invisible who is now dead because Luke shot him and Casper is actually Piggy Bank, the big dude who can erase memories using his penny collection. Wow, I thought Under the Dome was the only show that was capable of creating sentences that should never exist, but boy was I ever wrong about that.
Clone Harris and some random agent finally catch up with Malina and her spirit guide but they are unmatched since Malina can manipulate the elements and decides to blow them….away. You pervs!
Watching those two fly through the air actually makes me laugh. Obviously Malina and her spirit guide end up escaping but it doesn’t take long for Clone Harris to find them, possibly because they fucking suck at hiding. Only this time they brought their secret weapon, the shadow caster, who proceeds to unleash some weird shadow tentacles out of her hands.
Malina attempts to use her powers, which would have been epic, but they don’t seem to work and instead she looks like she’s trying to take a poop with her hands in the air.
Apparently the shadow bitch can nullify powers just like the Haitian could. God, I miss the Haitian. Those were the good old days, back when this show was actually decent. Malina’s spirit guide ends up getting captured or shot or some shit like that so she gives Malina a package and tells her to scram. Malina is able to escape and ends up sneaking into the back of the truck from Final Destination 2.
Tommy has officially pissed me off and I kind of want to punch him in the face due to the fact that he has the best power ever and never uses it. He is being questioned by Agent Cutler about why he’s running and changing his name every 6 months. Tommy thinks his real name is Tommy Clark but Cutler reveals that he was actually adopted and that Anne can’t be his birth mother. Cutler wants to find his birth parents but Tommy is so upset by this news that he decides to finally use his power to get out of there.
Agent Cutler immediately knows that Tommy teleported to the hospital to confront his moms about the whole adoption thing but before Cutler can get anywhere, he’s greeted at the door by Piggy Bank who is feeling generous and gives him a penny.
Tommy heads over to his wannabe girlfriend’s place where he starts bitching and whining about the fact that he was adopted and Emily is all like ‘it’s no biggie’ and she’s totally right. Tommy dude, you can fucking TELEPORT! Who gives a shit if you were adopted or not when you can pretty much go wherever you want and do whatever you want! Grrr, this kid angers me.
He finally goes to the hospital to yell at his mom about the whole adoption thing instead of teleporting to a tropical island to drink daiquiri’s and get a much needed tan. It was also finally revealed that Anne has been working with Piggy Bank this whole time because Tommy is special and they need him to save the world. Tommy decides that he doesn’t want to do that though and teleports the hell out of there. Keep running from your problems Tommy, that’s the answer. Dumb.
Carlos returns from his doob cruise only to find that the workshop has been trashed and Jose is no where to be found. This is what happens when you leave teenagers alone. Carlos immediately goes to the police station to find Captain Dearing, although I’m not even sure how he knew this guy was a cop. But in an interesting, and hilarious, twist the cops receive a pair of E.P.I.C. glasses and decide to try them out at the least convenient time ever for Dearing. The captain attacks his fellow officers but is shot with a tranquilizer dart and it looks like Carlos won’t be getting any info on his missing nephew just yet.
The cops are taking Dearing somewhere, probably to Renautas so they can harvest his powers or something, but they are stopped by the new El Vengador which is really just Carlos in an Iron Man suit. So apparently Carlos is smart enough to engineer this bad ass suit which makes me wonder why he didn’t do this in the first place because it was totally awesome.
He ends up destroying the shit out of the cops and their van and takes Dearing with him so he can find Jose and Pastor Smokey and that was pretty much all that happened with Carlos.
Burning The House Down
After getting divorced from his wife Joanne in the middle of the road, Luke decides to head back home. I was kind of wondering how the house is still his though considering they went on a cross country road trip across the USA and I’m pretty sure they weren’t stopping to make mortgage payments. Wouldn’t the bank have taken their house by now? Oh wait, this is Heroes Reborn so no logic appears to exist. Clearly the writers of Under the Dome are working their magic.
Luke decides to reminisce about the good old days, back when he was with his wife and son in the suburbs and when Heroes was actually a good show. But he’s not doing that well and his depression has taken a turn for the worse, so he calls up his friend Don and decides he needs some money to pay the mortgage or something like that. Don questions why he’s doing this but Don is normal and doesn’t understand that people in this world actually go through some shit. Fuck you, Don!
After finally writing Luke a cheque for their practice, Luke decides that he’s done with his old life and burns his house down and all of his old memories with it. And I love Luke because his story is hands down the only good thing going for this show, even though nothing much happened this episode. Luke appears to be trying everything in his power to move on which is obviously not easy considering his circumstances. Of course, moving on in real life would be a lot easier if we had the ability to TURN INTO THE SUN!
Noah, Quentin and Taylor are busy trying to escape from Renautas after Molly killed herself and decide that the next logical thing to do is to find Erica. They end up in some room with a bunch of seeds and Noah immediately comes to the conclusion that it’s a seed bank. You know, the kind you build when you’re planning to repopulate the Earth after an extinction. This literally made no sense.
Meanwhile, Erica is chillin’ with Harris and she’s still really pissed off about the whole Molly situation. She’s also dealing with Miko, who is now in America and trying to get her sword back. So naturally, her plan is to have Harris take the sword and hide it at her house. This doesn’t seem like the best place to hide anything but let’s roll with it. Harris proceeds to cut off his own finger so he can create another clone of himself.
I have so many issues with his power. First off, how do you even discover a power like this? Did he accidentally have his arm ripped off in some kind of chainsaw accident? Second, having to cut your finger off in order to create a clone of yourself seems pretty excessive and also totally sucks. It’s like you have to go through a massive amount of temporary pain in order to use your power and that just plain sucks. It’s kinda sad that this was the best the writers could do.
It also looks like Erica and her team of scientists have mined the power of Evo’s and somehow they already have Tommy’s because they are able to make a giant crate disappear.
Meanwhile, Taylor convinces her moms to meet her at their house but it’s totally a trap. Erica still thinks her daughter is a junkie but Noah does not and him and Quentin end up pulling a gun on her. Quentin is easily the best thing on this show as he continues to make fun of everyone and everything and this time it was Erica’s turn to be mocked.
Harris arrives with the sword because he’s like 6 hours late on running this errand for Erica but it also happens to be convenient as hell because he’s able to turn the tables on Noah and his crew. But the tables are turned once again when Miko arrives to show off her somersault skills.
She’s able to save the day and gets her sword back by heading back into the video game world to escape. Ren is absolutely thrilled about it but clearly he’s in the minority.
Close your mouth, Ren. I swear this dude is just a copy of Ando from the original Heroes and he annoys the crap out of me with his subtitles and his dumb facial expressions.
And lastly, Erica has some news from her head scientist. With the magnetic poles reversing, the Earth is pretty much screwed because some solar radiation is headed to Earth and it’s pretty obvious that Luke is going to be the cause of this. Didn’t they already use this storyline with the exploding man in the original series? Oh wait, yes they did.
So it looks like the world is doomed. But obviously we know our so-called heroes are going to eventually come together to save the day. This was a really, really bad episode and since the premiere, it looks like quality is taking a backseat. The writers from Under the Dome have a complete grip on this show and look to be making big plans to destroy yet another awesome series. Hopefully our heroes can find the writers in time to save the day, but I just don’t see that happening.
The woman who can cast shadows sums up Heroes Reborn perfectly because this show is a shadow of its former self. The original series was so dark and mysterious and made us feel something for the characters. This reboot, however, is just a disaster and I could care less if they kill off every single character. I literally have no favorites at this point.
I don’t even know if bringing back our old favorites like Hiro and Mohinder are going to be enough to save the story. This show still has potential and there is still time to fix these problems but we’re going to need to go super dark in the coming weeks for that to happen. Why not explore the shadow lady a bit more? She seems really messed up. Or maybe have Luke start doing some crazy shit with his power? I mean, Erica is the worst villain ever, she doesn’t even have any powers. Lame to the extreme.
I want to see people using their powers in unique ways and, unfortunately, this has not happened yet. In fact, most of our Evo’s are reluctant to use their powers at all which is super annoying. At least I have a new show to make fun of every week so a big thanks to the writers of Under the Dome, who were miraculously able to get a job after the Dome days ended this summer.
What did you think of The Lion’s Den? Did it make you want to take a poop with your arms in the air? Or were you making a happy face like Ren? Let us know in the comments and don’t forget to vote for your favorite Evo!
Lastly, check out the promo for next week’s episode, titled Game Over, where it looks like Hiro is going to finally make his return. Also with a title like ‘Game Over’, I can only hope that Miko gets killed while playing video games. Thanks for reading, fellow Evo’s.