Scream Queens: ‘Ghost Stories’ Review

Scream Queens 'Once Upon A Crime...'

Scream Queens was at its best for Ghost Stories, which was an hour of non-stop laughs that all started when Chanel #3 thought she was seeing a ghost. Plus, Denise finally returned to her hilarious self and I couldn’t stop laughing as I sat by the fire and listened to some of the most ridiculous ghost stories I have ever heard. If one thing is for sure, the writers should certainly not kill her off because without Denise, I’m not sure this show would be half as good as it is.

With Boone returning to action, we finally got to learn more about our killers. It has all been confirmed that Boone was one of the bathtub babies and Gigi was the hag on Shady Lane who helped raise them but we still don’t know how Gigi ended up with the twins or who is behind the other Red Devil mask! That said, it’s probably safe to say that our remaining murderer is going to turn out being a female given the fact that the second baby was a girl.

Ghost Stories also brought back the neck brace and I am loving Hester almost as much as I’ve been loving Denise. I think this series is truly at its best when it brings out the stupid in people and that was what Ghost Stories was all about. So grab some sushi, unpasteurized cheese and tobacco-infused champagne with triple the alcohol, have a seat by the fireplace and enjoy the review, fellow screamers! BOOOOOO!

The Ghost Of Dead Gay Boone

Boone finally returned to the action and he’s still in disguise as Joaquin Phoenix which has somehow managed to fool everyone on campus, even though he’s clearly sporting a beard made entirely of pubic hair.

The Master of Disguise

After his pube beard falls off, however, Chanel #3 recognizes him immediately and comes to the only conclusion: Boone is a ghost and Chanel #3 sees dead people. This show is at its best when the characters are at their stupidest and this was a perfect example.

Boo

Now listen up hot-faced sluts, just because Chanel #3 thinks she saw a ghost doesn’t mean she’s cray cray! We all know Boone is alive and well after he faked his death but don’t tell that to Chanel #3 who totally thinks she is being haunted by the ghost of dead gay Boone. During the Chanel’s debate over which Thanksgiving pilgrim did what, Chanel reveals that she has been chosen by Chad for a trip to the Hampton’s to meet his family, including his brothers Thad and Brad. A toast to Chanel! KAPPA!

Denise, who is now staying with the girls at Kappa house, is making the girls bubble wrap all of their clothes because when something costs $63,000, you wrap it in bubble wrap. Duh! And the results were fucking hilarious. There is obviously a dark side to Hester and I can’t help but think she might be our Red Devil. I mean, just look at her scissor the shit out of that bubble wrap!

Scream Queens 'Scissor Me Timbers'

Hester Ulrich is the killer! I’m calling it now. Also, Denise really loves bubble wrap, possibly due to the fact that she’s not allowed to carry around a firearm. Is there anything better than watching Denise pop bubble wrap while pretending to shoot the Chanel’s? The answer is a definite no.

Denise poppin' bubble wrap at Chanel

Denise Poppin' Thangs

Chanel #3 is on edge and finally comes clean about seeing the ghost of dead gay Boone so Denise comes up with a great plan to calm everyone’s nerves. You see, whenever Denise gets scared and thinks ISIS broke into her house, she tells herself really scary ghost stories and her fear of the ISIS is replaced by the fear of the Candy Man! So random but Hester’s reaction was priceless.

Scream Queens 'Candy Man'

And it just kept getting better when Denise starts telling a Japanese ghost story called ‘The Kappa’. Apparently these creatures live in the sewers and wait for you to sit your ass on the toilet so they can snatch you by the vagina and drown your crushed body in raw sewage. But the best part of this particular story was this:

Scream Queens 'The End'

Denise has the best way of wrapping things up if ya know what I mean. The Chanel’s are still spooked after this particular story so Denise tells another ghost story called ‘The Red Cloak’. It was pretty much exactly the same as the previous story, only this time the victim has to choose between a blue roll of toilet paper or the red roll and both options end in murder. Classic Denise. And at this point, I’m looking exactly like Hester!

"Yes! I'm really enjoying myself."

So many gifs and we’re only 15 minutes into the episode! Denise eventually needs to take a bathroom break and no one is surprised since all of her ghost stories involved a toilet. Unfortunately, she ends up in one of her own ghost stories and is forced to pick the blue or red roll.

Which one do I choose?

Denise is attacked by the Red Devil and I think it’s safe to say that she is clearly not one of the killers. She is able to escape with her life though and is immediately in need of another ghost story. And so am I!

Chad, meanwhile, is reunited with his best friend and obviously he also thinks Boone is a ghost. Chad fills in Boone on all of his sexcapades and all of the murders happening on campus. Boone needs to borrow Chad’s ‘date’ shirt so he can take Zayday on a date and impress her. Chad is a bit confused since Boone is super gay but Boone comes up with a story about how he can stay on Earth if he has sex with her. Just ridiculous but hilarious stuff.

The Bro Squad Is Back, Bro

Murder. Ideas. Go!

After the Red Devil attacks Denise, it’s Hester’s turn to tell a ghost story. This time the story involved a woman driving her car and she is followed by a random dude in a truck who is honking his horn and flashing his high beams every time he sees the killer pop up in the back of her car. The woman thinks the truck driver is the killer but as it turns out, he was just trying to save her life. The story ends up lowering Denise’s blood pressure and she decides that it’s probably now safe to open the doors. We were also treated to Roy Brown’s Butcher Pete during the story and Fallout fans will remember this song very well.

We also caught up with Grace and Zayday. Grace, the most boring character to ‘grace’ our television screens, is having a chat with Zayday about her plans for Thanksgiving. She’s still really pissed off with her dad but luckily Zayday invites her to O-Town Thanksgiving, where there is sure to be plenty of Oakland nachos to go around. Later on, Zayday is confronted by Boone who is wearing his shirt made out of boyfriend material but Zayday doesn’t fall for it because she doesn’t believe in ghosts. That is until Grace and Zayday push Boone out the window and he miraculously disappears.

And since Zayday already has a boyfriend, it was only a matter of time before Boone murders the shit out of him with a knife.

“I like to stir my Earl Grey With a knife.”

It’s no surprise that Earl Grey, who has barely been involved with the story, died at the Red Devil’s hands.

After all of these ghost stories and murders, Chanel #5 decides that she doesn’t want to stay at KKT headquarters any longer, packs her bags and hits the road.

When women pack for a three day vacation...

I think you got enough suitcases there, hun! So Chanel #5 leaves KKT and ends up in the exact same story that Hester told moments ago, only this time it’s the Go-Go’s This Town playing on the radio:

Loving the jam! The exact same thing that happens in Hester’s story ends up happening to Chanel #5 with a trucker honking and flashing his high beams at her on the road. Just like Hester’s story, it turns out he was simply trying to warn her about the killer in her backseat. Of course, he wasn’t sure if he actually saw anything given the fact that he was high on Adderall and had been up for 35 straight hours. It was only a matter of time before this dude was murdered by the Red Devil and that was exactly what happened, giving Chanel #5 enough time to escape.

Back at the frat house, Hester confronts Chad about the fact that he’s taking Oberlin to the Hampton’s instead of her. She also had to dig out her old neck brace because her spinal column was collapsing. That does not sound pleasant but at least she’s looking good.

Designer Neck Brace

Chad has a ton of reasons for not inviting Hester: her farts smell like death, she has bum genes that would pollute the Radwell gene pool, making out with her is like making out with the Hamburglar, she has a poo belly (possibly because of all the cheeseburgers), and she’s not rich! Gotta love Chad when he’s at his douchiest. Hester still believes she will be coming with Chad on his family vacation and lets him know that we’ll have to wait and see what happens. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I love Lea Michele as Hester. She’s so creepy and has the best facial expressions and is literally a gif-maker’s dream.

Chanel #5 returns to the KKT house where it is confirmed by the girls that Boone is one of the Red Devils. Chanel #3 is totally freaked out about Boone’s ghost running around and needs another ghost story. So out comes Hester with a brand new ghost story: SHE’S PREGNANT!

Oberlin looking shocked

Oberlin is obviously shocked about the news because this means Chad will have no choice but to take Hester to the Hamptons instead. That’s how the Radwell’s roll. Once they make their bed, they lye in it with their creepy neck brace scoliosis wives!

Oberlin is livid about this news and recruits Chanel #3 and #5 so they can find a way to get rid of Hester. And by get rid of I obviously mean murder her. If they get rid of Hester that means Oberlin will get her invite back to the Hampton’s and will be able to score a hot husband with an enormous family fortune. Now come on…Murder. Ideas. Go!

The Brace Is Back

Grace and Zayday are still trying to solve this murder mystery and immediately go to the detective with the news that Boone is one of the Red Devil’s. And even though they already have like 50 photos of Boone, Detective Moron decides to bring a sketch artist so they can draw a sketch of him. So dumb.

Of course, the detective is A LOT fucking stupider than we thought and he brings in a member of D.O.P.E.: the Department of Paranormal Exploration. Yup, that’s right. The detective ALSO thinks Boone is a ghost and that’s the reason no one can catch him.

Straight Up D.O.P.E.

As we know, Boone’s not actually dead and these detective’s are fucking idiots. And this is also the reason this episode was so hilarious. As I mentioned earlier, the dumber these people are, the better the jokes so let’s keep this stupidity up!

Dean Munsch finally comes to her senses and realizes that she has a type, that type being complete and utter morons. She kicks the detective out for being such an idiot and finally agrees with Grace and Zayday regarding Boone being alive. She also lets them know that there were two bathtub babies that fateful night in 1995. Obviously, Grace already knew this after she went to the insane asylum last episode but this finally confirms it. What we don’t know, however, is how these two babies ended up with Gigi.

So Boone and the other Red Devil are chillaxin’ at Gigi’s place, talking about their new hunting knives and such. Gigi finally arrvies and is uber pissed off at the fact that there is an APB out for Boone’s arrest. Gotta love Gigi’s monologue about Boone fucking up her 20 year plan. She’s pretty pissed off at the fact that Boone was walking around in broad daylight disguised as Joaquin Phoenix and trying to convince Zayday to sleep with him because he’s a ghost!

"You are the weakest link. Goodbye."

I don’t know why Gigi’s so upset. Boone’s disguise was pretty solid and everyone thought he was a ghost because they’re all morons. At least we got to see Gigi’s best Beaker impression which was very appropriate considering that the Chanel’s are always trying to look like Muppets.

"Me me me me me"

The Muppets were totally cool in the ’90s too! We know Boone and the other Red Devil had planned on killing Gigi but obviously this all backfires and our mystery devil ends up stabbing Boone instead.

R.I.P. Joaquin Phoenix

Well, that was quick. After returning for only one episode, it looks like they finally put an end to Boone’s dead gay ghost. Although, the real Boone was never gay as he explained this to Gigi before he was murdered. This obviously explains why he was trying to go on that date with Zayday for the entire season. So with Boone’s death, that leaves us with Gigi and the remaining Red Devil and we still don’t know his or her identity. If I had to guess, I am assuming our Red Devil is going to end up being female. Boone and the Red Devil are siblings after all and the second bath tub baby was wearing pink. I also don’t think our killer is going to be a blonde as well, which really makes me think that Hester is going to be the killer, even if things didn’t end well for her at the end of our episode.

The Chanel’s end up confronting Hester about her pregnancy by having her eat sushi, unpasteurized cheese and tobacco-infused champagne with triple the alcohol. These are obviously all things that you’re not supposed to be consuming when you’re pregnant but Hester clearly had no idea. The girls demand that she pee on every pregnancy test they can get their hands on and Chanel #3’s reaction was easily one of the best things ever:

Chanel #3 with pregnancy tests

Hester refuses to listen to her fellow sisters and exits the room with the intention of getting knocked up by Chad in the Hampton’s but Oberlin is having none of it. She completely freaks out and decides the only way to get rid of Neck Brace is to push her down a flight of stairs…

Fall From Brace

…which is exactly what she did. Honestly, I think Hester is going to be justttt fine! In fact, I’m betting on the fact that this fall from brace is going to snap her collapsing spinal column back into place and she will no longer require that neck brace which should piss off Oberlin to no end. There is just no way the writers are going to kill off Hester with three episodes remaining considering she’s a fan favorite. Not. A. Chance.

Ghost Stories had a lot of murder but none of our main characters became ghosts unless, of course, you think Hester is really dead. There are only three episodes left and, while we know Gigi and Boone make up two of the three murderers, we still are not any closer to finding out who bathtub baby #2 is. So far, I’m putting my money on Hester even if she was thrown down an entire flight of stairs.

The Verdict

Episode Score: MIKEY LIKES DENISE’S GHOST STORIES

Mikey Likes ItScream Queens hit all the right notes with ‘Ghost Stories’. It probably helped that Denise was back to her old tricks and having her tell the Chanel’s ghost stories by the fireplace was the perfect way to bring back the funny! There was a ton of hilarious moments and having every single character truly believe that Boone was a ghost was an excellent way to move along the episode.

There was also a lot of murder. While Denise was able to survive, things didn’t go as smoothly for Earl Grey, the trucker who was high on Adderall, Boone and Hester who may all be ghosts now. I am fairly certain that this is not the last we have seen of Hester and her fall will probably have fixed her spine somehow. This is Scream Queens after all.

Now I’m no D.O.P.E. detective but it seems as though Scream Queens is so much better when Grace and her dad are not involved. She barely made an appearance in Ghost Stories and I think the quality of the series improved significantly. After all, she is the least funny of the characters and the more we have to see her, the less time we get to spend with Denise, Chanel #3, Chad, Hester and the rest. If they killed Grace off, I would not be sad. And either should you.

With only three episodes left, we’re getting closer to finding out who the remaining Red Devil is. Could it end up being Charles Manson’s daughter? Is Denise ‘Hash Tag Cahoots’ Hemphill the one behind the mask? Or maybe Oberlin herself is responsible for all of the murders! Who do you think is the killer and what did you think of Ghost Stories? Let us know in the comments and be sure to vote below:

Lastly, with Thanksgiving right around the corner, it’s only fitting that next week’s episode is going to have a screamful of turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy. Simply titled Thanksgiving, I’m sure we will be getting a side of murder with our dinner so enjoy the promo and thanks for reading, fellow screamers!