AHHHHHHH! That’s the sound of me screaming because Scream Queens has finally premiered and it was worth the wait. Emma Roberts is a quote-dropping goddess, Lea Michele was hilarious as Hester, deaf Taylor Swift is the next American Idol and Jamie Lee Curtis is, well, Jamie Lee Curtis. Need I say more?
With American Horror Story: Hotel right around the corner, Ryan Murphy appears to have done it again with Scream Queens and the premiere episode was both fun and fantastic. Also, the music was phenomenal, as it always is with Ryan Murphy involved, so I’m going to do my best to include any and all of the music featured in these episodes. After all, waterfalls is my JAM!
So let’s head to Kappa Kappa Tau’s sorority house and check in on our Scream Queens for Part I of the series premiere. It was definitely a fun lawnmower ride. Enjoy the recap fellow screamers!
Waterfalls Is My Jam
The pilot begins with a flashback to 1995 and I’m already thrilled. Our sorority sisters end up finding one of their own in a bathtub and she’s a newly crowned teen mom. Obvs the sisters don’t feel like dealing with this during their party and decide to jam instead. A great choice because TLC’s Waterfalls was playing. Now if this scene didn’t conjure up feelings of the ’90s then your childhood clearly sucked.
Ryan Murphy and his song selection…somehow always the right song at the right time. I’ve included the video to Waterfalls below:
Seriously, I don’t think they could have picked a better track for 1995. But don’t let the good vibes fool ya because our teen mom ends up dying in the bathtub. This leads us back to present day where we get to meet Chanel Oberlin, the head bitch in charge of Kappa Kappa Tao (KKT for short). And since this is a murder mystery, I already have a feeling that Chanel is not going to be responsible for murdering anyone…except maybe everyone’s feelings.
We also get to meet ‘White Mammy’, who is apparently a maid at the sorority and is Chanel’s go-to gal when it comes to making fun of people.
Then the real fun begins with another flashback, this time to Chanel’s early days in KKT. It appears she hasn’t always been the head bitch in charge. Lucky for all of us, the team captain’s spray tan goes horribly wrong in the worst possible way.
That’s right. Someone replaced the tanning chemicals with Hydrochloric acid and this show is already officially awesome. Of course, no one knows who filled the spray can with acid but our resident Dean, Cathy Munsch, believes that Chanel was involved with this incident. Jamie Lee Curtis and Emma Roberts have amazing chemistry already and the entire dialogue between these two was pure entertainment.
“Do you think you like to munch box because your last name is Munsch or is that just a coincidence,” Chanel says as she totally insults the dean and we get a better idea of some of last year’s hilarious hazing allegations about a goat that got hammered. Hazing appears to be on the outs this year at KKT. As it turns out, Chanel hated the previous KKT queen who thought she was the shit because her family founded the Olive Garden. But I say Olive Garden sucks and that bitch needs to go. And go she did with her new Hydrochloric tan.
We also meet up with Gigi Caldwell, played by Nasim Pedrad, and her skirt is totally firenza in case you didn’t know.
So far, Gigi is awesome if only for the fact that her ‘psyche’ is forever trapped in the ’90s. She might already be one of my faves.
Munsch, however, wants to revoke the sorority’s charter but Gigi shows up just in the nick of time and lets her know that she’s the head lawyer in charge having graduated from a fourth-tier law school in the Caribbean and that they can’t simply revoke the charter. She also lets us know about the festivities for Rush night, which is going include a side boob mixer and a ‘white’ party, where everyone is encouraged to wear/be white. And this still has me laughing.
Suspects on Parade
Time for more character introductions. We meet Grace Gardner (played by Skyler Samuels), a freshmen who is headed to college and plans on joining Kappa when she gets there. They arrive to Christina Perri’s A Thousand Years which you can jam to below:
Man, I miss college. We meet up with Grace’s new roomie Zayday, played by Keke Palmer, and Grace suggests that she joins the KKT with her since it would be totally dope.
Grace and Zayday end up attending the ‘white’ party and the Dean is present to make the big announcement that Kappa will be required to accept anyone who wishes to be a pledge. Cheers to that!
Uh oh. This is not going to end well, is it? That said, at least we get to meet some of the greatest characters I have ever seen. First up, Hester Ulrich who is played by Lea Michele whom you might remember from her Glee days. She smells like hot dog water (gross) and probably sprained her neck giving blumpkins (super gross) down at the local bowling alley:
I love how Chanel provided nicknames for everyone because that is so college life. Next up we meet Tiffany, a deaf girl who has a horrible case of bad breath.
For the record, these nicknames absolutely rock. I mean, Deaf Taylor Swift! Sorry but I cannot do better then that! Chanel totally rules.
Next up, we meet Mac or Butch or something and she seems to think that all heterosexual sex is gross which probably explains why she’s after a whole lot of bikini burger.
And last but not least, we meet Jennifer who is introduced to KKT by the Dean. She has no friends…and here is why:
OMG this was beyond hilarious. She vlogs about CANDLES! Seriously! I am not making this up. And Chanel’s reaction is priceless:
Also, awesome use of that furry hat. Emma Roberts totally owns that shit, even from her Coven days.
With the sorority vacancies being filled by complete losers, it was only a matter of time before Chanel gets her ass dumped by her now ex-boyfriend Chad who is a complete douchebag. Chad and his best bud Boone seems to think that dating comes down to popularity. He says that his ego is super strong but it’s not strong enough to date ‘garbage’ people. Also, sorry Boone, but Michael Bay totally sucks (see Transformers). This guy has ‘murder victim’ written all over his douchey forehead though and I’d be totally surprised if he remains alive for the entire season.
Pumpkin Spice Latte and Deep Fried Mammy
Now fully-equipped with pledges she does not want, Chanel comes up with a ridiculous plan which involves dunking Ms. Bean’s head in a fryer of non-hot oil in order to scare the new pledges out of KKT. This has bad idea written all over it but this is Chanel and she wants the losers out of KKT so she can get her Chad back. Also, her poop smells like ginger beer according to the barista, Pete. And Pete, aka the ‘gay Jimmy Olsen’, thinks the sorority is pure evil but, more importantly, he thinks the house is the problem. And I don’t think he’s wrong.
But what we do know is that there is something going on. Which, appropriately, was another featured jam in the pilot. Check out the video for Frida’s 1982 hit I Know There’s Something Going On below. I love this music.
Chanel puts her plan into action when her fellow sisters find a shrine in White Mammy’s room with evil burning candles, Chanel’s stolen panties and pictures of her with her eyes scratched out. She then proceeds to shove White Mammy’s face in the fryer and that is when I officially lost my shit. And I guarantee you did too.
So much for my theory that White Mammy is the killer. She also proceeds to PEEL her face off and it appears that American Horror Story officially has some new competition. Look away if you must:
Also, I now know why this show is called Scream Queens. Screamers gotta scream, yo:
Of course, this was NOT supposed to happen as it turns out someone had turned the fryer on. Chanel seems to think you don’t die from getting your face burned off (which was hilarious) but it appears that KKT and Chanel are in deep shit. Grace, the obvious good girl, threatens to head to the campus po-po but she’s stopped by Chanel who threatens to blame the murder on her. So they throw White Mammy in the freezer and…problem solved.
Grace meets back up with Pete the barista and he already knows about the murder because he is obviously an investigative reporter for some reason. They decide that the next step is to examine the body so they head back to KKT headquarters for some good ole fashioned B&E.
We also catch up with the Dean who is now sleeping with Chad via her blackmail scheme to sleep with young jocks on academic probation. Gross. Chad and Chanel eventually interrupt Grace and Pete’s detective work but the body of poor Ms. Bean is now missing. This obviously means that it’s time for a creepy blood oath. But what if one of them has an STD? Or what if they all had an STD?
As it turns out, one of them does. So much for that blood oath. Chanel #2 runs out to go tell her mom but before she can get very far she is interrupted by the Red Devil. They proceed to text each other even though they’re in the same room which ultimately leads to the Red Devil stabbing Chanel #2. But she ain’t dead just yet. She is also not very smart because after being stabbed but not killed, instead of running away she runs right to her Twitter account to tweet about the fact that she is being murdered in real time. Ariana Grande, you dumb.
The sorority sisters end up finding Chanel #2’s body and Oberlin instantly thinks that Ms. Bean is back from the dead. At least she’s always thinking positively and believes that she will be off the hook for shoving White Mammy’s face in the fryer.
Chanel ends up going for a pumpkin spice latte with Pissy Spacek (aka Grace) since that’s her jam, and she wants to make Grace her #6. Grace is having none of this and tries to walk away but ends up suggesting that they form a ‘real’ sisterhood. Of course, Chanel is having none of this because Chanel is a huge bitch. You go girl!
Back at KKT, the pledges are literally buried alive with only their heads sticking out while they have the most random conversation ever.
Is there any one better than Deaf Taylor Swift? This entire scene was beyond hilarious because of her. The girls end up hearing a lawnmower and start screaming while Tiffany thinks that everyone is singing Taylor Swift. So instead of screaming she starts singing Shake It Off. Just hilarious. The Red Devil finally shows up but he’s not really interested in cutting the grass. He is more interested in doing this to Deaf Taylor:
I’d suggest shaking it off, but with no head that might be impossible. It’s really unfortunate that they killed Tiffany off so quickly because she was absolutely hilarious in this final scene. And The Red Devil is totally stoked about his second kill.
I love this guy. I mean who doesn’t love a sorority sister murdering dude in a devil costume who cha-chings his second murder of the night while riding a lawnmower. Love 💕!
Obviously the sorority house is in big trouble. With two murders and White Mammy getting her face burnt off, I imagine the police are going to be arriving on the scene. Of course this was only the first hour of the premiere so be sure to check out the second half of our review HERE. In the meantime, be sure to sniff some candles because that is totally in right now. Right, Jennifer?
Mikey absolutely loved the premiere episode of Scream Queens. The jams were hot and nostalgic, the dialogue was epically funny and the story is fantastic. I didn’t even think it was possible for Ryan Murphy to continue to come up with unique ways of killing people off but this episode really had it all. Death by spray tan, deep fat fryer and lawnmower equals pure entertainment. I also really loved the sorority house itself. I think my only complaint is that it might be too much like the first season of American Horror Story. But hey, everything about this show was hot so it’s really a minor complaint. I also don’t want to end up like White Mammy! And I’m really going to miss Deaf Taylor Swift.
The biggest question remains though: Who is the Red Devil? Also can we PLEASE have more Chanel one-liners because Emma Roberts crushed it every single time she was on the screen.
So what did everyone think of the Scream Queens premiere? Did it make you scream? Let us know in the comments. And also, who do you think is wearing the Red Devil costume? Vote now!