The Walking Dead: ‘Hostiles and Calamities’ Review

In A PIckle

Hostiles and Calamities, or as I prefer to call it ‘Pickles and Calamari’, was simply the story of Dwight and Eugene–a tragic tale of how one man bit another man’s penis and how they come to terms with it. Seriously though, I feel like we’re being set up here. Both Eugene and Dwight are going to be wildcards in this upcoming war with the Saviors and I’m willing to bet the bank that these two men will set their penis-biting differences aside to help Rick and company win the war.

Both of these men are clearly lying to Negan and will eventually turn on the Saviors. It’s absolutely inevitable and, much like Eugene lied to Rick and his group for a very long time, it appears he’s doing the Long Con once again to avoid being killed immediately. Not a bad plan if you ask me, especially in comparison to Richard’s dumb idea from last week.

Now let’s count down all of the dumbest and funniest moments from another ridiculous installment of The Walking Dead. Enjoy!

1. Welcome To Easy Street

The episode starts off with Eugene making his way to the Sanctuary as a captive and Negan is there to welcome him with open arms:

Welcome to Easy Street

Easy Street is a place I want to be. And let’s be honest, Eugene has a pretty ideal life here at the Sanctuary. It’s not so bad being a prisoner of the Saviors given that he gets to eat microwave popcorn and pasta with orangey sauce and he gets to play video games with hot babes all day (and yes, I totally loved the Yar’s Revenge shout-out)! It’s really not much different than a prison cell in Norway:

Whyat Prison Looks Like In Norway

In other words, life is good! Eugene is obviously doing his best impression of Sawyer from LOST though because he’s totally in it for the long con. I don’t think it can be any more obvious that Eugene is totally setting up the Saviors and will eventually play a major role in the war to come. Even though Dr. Smarty Pants has to provide some tips along the way, like smelting down metals to cover the walkers protecting the Sanctuary, it’s still all part of his plan and I can’t imagine Eugene is going to switch teams at this point–not after what happened to his bestie, Abraham. Plus, how awesome was the fact that he was carrying around a big jar of pickles:

"Well, pickle me pink."

2. Dwight gets his ass beat

With Daryl escaping, it was only a matter of time before Negan had to punish someone and that someone was obviously going to be Dwight. Apparently, the doors don’t leave themselves open in the Sanctuary and Sherry is no where to be found. Sherry’s disappearance is pretty important if we consider the fact that she was Dwight’s ex-wife so Negan, naturally, is going to think Dwight was involved somehow. Of course, Dwight can’t seem to find her and this is what he came home too:

"She left this place a mess!"

I wouldn’t want to clean up after her either, Dwight!

To be honest, I don’t really understand Negan at all. He keeps people like Dwight and Rick alive and they’re obviously never going to be Team Savior, yet he has no problem disemboweling Spencer, a guy who VOLUNTARILY wanted to join the Saviors and help Negan. And yes, I get it, Spencer was not being ‘loyal’ to Rick which Negan thought was a weakness, but still…if you think about it, Negan is a fucking idiot for keeping people around that are clearly coming for him and getting rid of those who would be more than willing to help. It’s all really dumb if you ask me and will likely be the main reason for Negan and Lucille’s downfall.

That said, one of the best parts of the episode was Sherry’s note to Dwight. She’s long gone by now but Dwight and Sherry’s back story is extremely important in understanding why Dwight is doing what Negan tells him. It also is a big hint that Dwight is probably going to turn his back on the Saviors soon, especially if Sherry is killed in the future. She says in her note: “I loved who you were. I’m sorry I made you into who you are.” That’s some powerful shit right there and really made me feel something for Dwight. The time for redemption is fast approaching and I think it’s safe to say that Dwight (and Eugene) are going to set their differences aside in order to get out of this mess. For now though, let’s just pretend we’re all best friends:

#BestBuds

3. The ‘Letting It All Hang Out’ Walker

I had to include this walker in our list this week because, well, see for yourself:

"I shouldn't have ordered the calamari."

This episode really should have been called ‘Hostiles and Calamari’ because it looks like our walker friend may have pigged out on some not-so-good seafood. At least you can’t shit your pants if you’re a walker.

4. Magic Hour with Eugene the Excellent

So somehow Eugene is a pimp daddy with the ladies of the Sanctuary. They keep coming back for more, even if they just want suicide pills (which actually turned out to be for Negan), but this GIF pretty much sums it up perfectly:

Eugene blows his load

Yup, Eugene blew his load all over.

5. Eugene Does His Best Walter White Impression

It appears as though binge-watching Breaking Bad has its advantages. After being asked to make some suicide pills for Negan’s wives, Eugene goes full Walter White:

Breaking Bad

That is one hell of an outfit, right?! While acquiring this epic costume, Eugene also came across some other useful items:

Eugene finds a bed pan

Because you just never know when a bed pan will come in handy during the zombie apocalypse! It’s also worth mentioning that Everything Right Is Wrong Again by They Might Be Giants was playing during the montage so check it out below in case you missed it:

6. Doctor Carson Gets a Sun Burn

So much for those theories about the doctors from The Sanctuary and Hilltop being brothers. Even if they do end up being related, it looks like a reunion will never happen. In order to cover his own ass, Dwight ends up planting the last part of Sherry’s farewell letter in the doc’s desk (it read: ‘Goodbye Honey’) which ultimately leads to Dr. Carson going on a permanent vacation and getting his tan on:

Negan throws the doc into the fire

Negan should take up curling and/or wrestling in his spare time with a throw like that! And Eugene’s reaction was priceless. This is also the face I often make when contemplating the writing on this show:

Eugene's reaction

7. That Awkward Moment

Finally, the reunion we’ve all been waiting for! I had to include this last shot of Eugene and Dwight since we all remember what happened the last time these two were together. Plus, did anyone else find it hilarious that Eugene was eating pickles throughout the episode? That had to be a metaphor, right?!

"Remember that time I bit your penis?"

AWKWARD!!! But hey, at least they FINALLY acknowledged the fact that Rick and his crew killed around 30 Saviors. Eugene seems to believe that his friends got what was coming to them and I can’t help but agree. Eugene is fast becoming one of my favorite characters on this series and I think it’s safe to say that he’s totally manipulating these Saviors even if it seems like he’s becoming one of them. Nice try, show!

So what was your favorite moment from the latest episode of The Walking Dead? Let us know in the comments and thanks for reading, fellow walkers! Oh, and be sure to check out this amazing opening credits sequence below, which uses Easy Street as the theme song. It’s absolutely genius!

And also, a preview of next week’s episode where Rick and Michonne go on a date to the carnival: