Long Live The Queen
The New England Patriots starting QB Tom Brady will not be playing in the season opener due to a suspension for deflating footballs. The Toronto Blue Jays are first place in the AL East in August. And Under the Dome is still alive and kicking. Could any one have predicted this? Nope.
Love is a Battlefield had it all, including one of the best Big Jim lines ever involving spider babies. Yup, only on this show will you be able to hear Dean Norris talk about spider babies destroying mankind. There was also more murder which is not surprising considering the death count is easily into double digits after the dome virgin massacre.
And in one of the greatest twists ever, Eva attempted to prevent herself from having a baby as Julia and Barbie attempt to literally push the baby out of her. Yes, you definitely read that correctly because this is Under the Dome, where forced pregnancies are a thing.
Time to check in to the Chester’s Mill motel, the best possible place to give birth to a spider baby! Long live the Queen and enjoy the recap.
Norrie and Julia arrive back at Aktaion HQ’s aka a children’s playoom where Big Jim confronts them about sneaking off and almost leading the dome aliens to them. Then the greatest, and dumbest, thing ever happens in a twist for the ages. In response to Julia suggesting that Big Jim likes stepping on spiders, he comes back with this:
Yup that’s right. Big Jim would murder the spider who is carrying a queen baby! And so would I. So I guess the plan is to murder Eva before she can give birth to the spider queen. Eva is super pregnant at this point after murdering a bunch of dome virgins last week and it looks as though her new bae is definitely some kind of spider alien:
Christine also returned this week and she’s having a lot of trouble functioning, possibly due to the fact that she’s on Under the Dome. So after chugging a slurpee from Burpee’s (that’s a book reference in case you’re wondering), she meets up with Sam who is now on board with the whole Kinship cult.
Sam decides he’s going to find a way to get that giant, purple amethyst to Joe so he can work on his device for bringing down the dome. And as you can see from Joe’s schematics, it’s solid.
Wait, WTF!? So looks like Joe drew an owl and dissected it and maybe his plan involves some kind of magical owl, possibly from Hogwart’s, to bring down the dome. This is why we don’t put teenagers in charge. Joe explains to Barbie that the creepy, and annoying, whistling the Kinship is always doing is the key to making the amethyst glow. And my brain has just exploded out of my head after writing that sentence.
Barbie tells Joe to stall on working on his device since obviously they are working on a cure…otherwise they’ll end up “unleashing the kinship on the rest of the world.” I wish I was making this stuff up but sadly, I’m not.
Meanwhile, Norrie is hanging out with Hunter, possibly feeling guilty for pushing him off the roof and crippling him. They’re nerding it up on his computer and he shows Norrie all about Patrick and how he’s outside of the dome in some chamber of secrets. Hunter thinks something is up with Norrie and he is completely right because Norrie is now a stone cold killing machine.
Luckily for Norrie, murder is totally cool in Chester’s Mill so her stock just went up.
The dynamic duo, Big Jim and Julia, head to the barn to find some of Christine’s DNA and Julia somehow finds a random hair in a pile of hay. Big Jim starts making fun of her for falling back in love with Barbie but Julia let’s him know that their favorite dome is about to calcify and suffocate all of them. Of course, I’m pretty sure all of the FIRES they have been starting will take care of that but dome logic and dome science apply here, unfortunately.
Junior and the Kinship end up finding Julia and Big Jim and Junior instantly wants to kill them both because clearly he has major daddy issues. Luckily, Aktaion is hiding out and they take care of business. Of course, Big Jim then proceeds to tie up Junior to an army cot:
Big Jim tells Junior they plan on curing him with pee in a bottle mixed with Christine’s DNA.
Hunter rats out Hektor when he shows Julia the footage of Patrick aliening it up in some chamber. Julia comes right out and tells everyone, including Lily, that Patrick is alive and more alien than ever. Lily is shocked about the news since she thought he was dead and now everyone thinks Hektor is a big liar…and they are right.
Julia thinks the cure isn’t going to work so she dares Hektor to drink it himself.
Of course, he refuses to drink his own pee and our Domies discover that the original cure didn’t work at all but want to test out this new cure on Junior so they can save everyone. After realizing that it could kill Junior, Big Jim goes all in and gives his consent for them to use the cure on his son.
Back in the shack, Joe’s being a useless teenager and starts rocking out in an attempt to become the next William Hung.
He’s interrupted by Christine who’s kinda pissed that Joe is slacking off. And just when you think the dialogue can’t get any dumber, Christine says this: “The original plan was to have the amethyst’s conduct the tones into the egg which would act as a key, signalling the dome to unlock. Of course, that requires 7 amethyst’s and the egg, both of which Big Jim destroyed.” Is it just me or does this literally make no sense whatsoever? I mean, these dome aliens are responsible for the dome being there in the first place yet it’s beyond complicated to ‘unlock’ the dome…making these dome aliens as dumb as the residents of Chester’s Mill. That is quite the unlock system, which requires SEVEN amethyst’s and an egg! You’re drunk aliens…go home! Oh wait, you can’t because you trapped yourselves under a dome in the dumbest place in America.
Luckily, there’s a simple solution and that is to split the one remaining amethyst into seven pieces. So Joe and Christine go for a walk in the woods, since that is everyone’s favorite hobby in Chester’s Mill, and she tells him how much travelling to Earth sucked.
She totally rips on our planet, basically saying it’s a terrible vacation spot for dome aliens. She also let’s us know that something else is coming…something that destroyed the dome alien’s world. This is exciting and we better see some crazy alien invasion…but this is Under the Dome, so the likelihood of something awesome happening are slim to none. Sad faces all around.
Rock ‘N Roll
Hektor and Lily have a heart to heart about Patrick. It’s pretty obvious that Lily wants to see her now-alien dad one last time. Hektor is very sorry about lying to her and she lets him know that she was the one that sent the files over to Hunter. They think their best option is to cure everyone and bring the dome down, becoming heroes in the process and therefore preventing the government from murdering them which makes absolutely zero sense.
In the other room, Big Jim is still with Junior and I can’t tell if he wants him to live or die. I mean, look at that smile:
So I guess Big Jim wants to save Junior even though he SHOT his son well before he was even part of the kinship. Here’s a refresher:
Make up your mind Jimmy! I think it’s time to get your hands on more liquor and more propane. So obviously Big Jim wants to be the one responsible for murdering his son and decides to untie Junior from his restraints because, as he says, “this is ridiculous“. And you are right Big Jim! Of course, Junior was lying the whole time and proceeds to completely destroy his father in best possible way imaginable, possibly due to the fact that he remembers getting SHOT by his dad:
Best. Gif. Ever. Watching Big Jim get thrown across the room was pure comedic gold. Obviously the cure was a failure so Hektor and Big Jim come to the only possible conclusion and since part of this plan involves killing Junior, Big Jim is totally in. Looks as though their solution is to murder every single person in town carrying the infection. Um, okay, let’s roll with that…but first give some liquor and guns to Big Jim.
Sam finally delivers the giant purple rock to Joe so he can get started on his dome device. Instead, Joe cranks up the tunes and pretends like he’s busy.
Of course, the obvious solution to this ridiculous problem is to split this giant rock in seven pieces. So Joe does exactly that.
Honestly, this is so dumb that my mind cannot even understand how this is possible. I mean, why the frig do you need seven amethysts in the first place? And why is whistling that creepy tune the only thing that makes them light up? It’s so mindbogglingly dumb that my head is now possibly filled with glowing amethyst rocks. Also, I have a massive headache after watching this.
Living Happily Eva After
Barbie is definitely no longer part of the Kinship and he decides that the best thing to do at this point is to drug his pregnant girlfriend and then choke out one of the guards.
Barbie takes off with a drugged Eva in the backseat and they head over to the local motel because that is easily the best place ever for giving birth. And just when you think this episode can’t get any better, it does in the dumbest possible way. Eva is trying to PREVENT herself from giving birth and she is doing everything she can to hold that baby back. But wait, that’s not even the best part because Barbie and Julia do this:
Quite possibly the greatest ‘Caption This‘ photograph ever! I mean, let’s just reflect on this scene for a minute. Is Julia literally trying to push Eva’s baby out of her? And what in the fuck is Barbie doing? Honestly, this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen and I encourage you all to come up with your own captions for this one because this is an endless world of possibilities.
They eventually get the baby to pop out and obviously this is a terrible idea since the spider queen is now alive.
I don’t understand why Barbie is so obsessed with his bae considering the fact that it’s actually a dome alien. So he finally uses his judgment and gives the baby back to Eva who starts breastfeeding it with dome energy.
Of course, this was a major lack of judgment on Barbie’s part because Eva is cray cray and after turning into some weird purple creature, she decides to throw Barbie out the window.
Barbie has to leave his baby behind and him and Julia take off, probably back into the forest. With Barbie and Julia out of the picture, Christine shows up to offer her congratulations and take some family photos with the new Bae-lien.
But things don’t last very long for our new alien family. Apparently having the baby suck all of the purple energy out of her breasts has caused Eva to lose her alien form. And that is not a good thing because murder is totally cool in Chester’s Mill. And that is exactly what is on Christine’s mind while she whistles some creepy lullaby.
Well so much for Eva. And what the hell was up with that completely unnecessary whistling? I swear I don’t know what is worse between that stupid tune the Kinship is constantly whistling and this.
So with the new Dome baby queen entering the dome, what is in store for our domies? Hopefully Big Jim and Hektor decide to go through with their plan to murder everyone under the dome and put an end to this stupidity. A more likely scenario, however: Under the Dome Season 4, where brains will explode everywhere.
I have no idea why, possibly because this series has given me brain damage, but I actually kind of enjoyed this episode. The spider baby dialogue and Julia and Barbie forcing Eva to give birth was just beyond hilarious and obviously this show is no longer taking itself seriously. Or is it? You’re confused, show! Regardless of its genre-identity problems, the queen is finally born and hopefully an alien invasion is imminent. Also, Eva is dead…another murder victim in Chester’s Mill and even though it was quite possibly the worst scene ever with Christine whistling that weird ass hymn as she smothered her, at least we can finally move on from this whole pregnancy, even if it did only last a day (which is apparently an eternity in Dome time).
With only two episodes left this season and pretty much no answers to any of our questions, we have even more questions and no one is surprised. Will Big Jim finally murder Junior? Will Norrie go on a rampage now that she’s a serial killer in the making? Why was Christine whistling that weird lullaby as she smothered Eva? Where did Indy the dog go? Will Joe continue slacking off, giving teenagers everywhere a bad rap? Is the dome baby really a spider? Will Big Jim and his new buddy Hektor get drunk and murder everyone under the dome? Why did the aliens make it so difficult to unlock their own dome? Wouldn’t a door and key have worked a lot better? What will happen if Joe is able to bring down the Dome? And the biggest question of them all: Will this show be renewed for a fourth season of stupidity?
What did you think of Love is a Battlefield? Feel free to leave a comment and I also encourage everyone to come up with their own caption for the Eva pregnancy because that is a
gold amethyst mine. Thanks for reading Domies and don’t forget to follow us on Facebook/Twitter.
Dome logic continues to be in effect for the next two weeks. With only two more episodes to go, the fun couldn’t end soon enough so check out the promo for next week’s episode, titled Incandescence below. And just so everyone knows…incandescence is the emission of electromagnetic radiation from a hot body as a result of its temperature so expect a ton of science fails and dome logic next week.