Under the Dome: ‘Move On / But I’m Not’ Review

The Vacation Goo

Vacation Goo

Welcome back Domies! Under the Dome has returned for its third season and if you were someone who actually thought this show was going to make it this far, well congratulations. You just won a first round trip to Chester’s Mill where you can hang out with the local dometards and potentially spend some time in the vacation goo pods. In an unbelievable twist though, Season 3 is ACTUALLY here guys, and I am looking forward to recapping every idiotic thing these people do in the coming months.

The first two episodes of Season 3, titled Move On and But I’m Not respectively, has once again rekindled my love for everything stupid and I cannot wait to write sentences that we thought could never possibly exist. That’s right, not only did the Dome seal over an entire town and break the laws of physics, but it also broke the laws of logic, plot and rational thought as well. Besides Linda, did we really think Under the Dome would still be alive and kicking in 2015?

In short, prepare for non-sensical sentences, people making really dumb decisions, terrible quotes and myself who will be there every step of the way pointing and laughing. The premiere had it all…from vacation pods shaped like the female anatomy to Big Jim hitting the bottle big time to people randomly getting killed off. Even a TV got shot! Yup, didn’t make that up. Enjoy the recap!

Domeless 

The premiere begins with Barbie leading most of the Chester’s Mill residents towards a white light. And at this point I’m already like DON’T GO TOWARDS THE WHITE LIGHT, YOU IDIOTS! Isn’t that a sign that you’re probably close to death? Regardless, Barbie takes the entire town right on through.

Head for that bright light guys

And once through this light, it takes us to a place that Cream once wrote a classic song about:

White Room

Wait, where the fuck is Barbie? On a cloud? Maybe inside a giant bowl of whipped cream? Or did it just get super foggy? And where did everyone go? These are questions I should have asked myself during the episode but simply did not because things don’t ever make much sense under the dome. Luckily, this was no bowl of whipped cream but Barbie did get slimed, Ghostbuster style, right before the entire town ends up in a field on the OTHER side of the dome from Chester’s Mill.  Then shit just got out of hand:

Woo! Fireworks

First these fucked up looking pink stars start floating into the sky. At which point, they decide to all meet up in the center of the sky and EXPLODE!!!

Pinksplosion

Sharknado has nothing on the Pinksplosion! By the way, all of this is happening for pretty much no good reason. Ohhh, and then this happens:

The Dome Explodes

Yup, the dome exploded with no real consequences for anyone within the blast radius. Wait, WHAT!? No more dome on a show called Under the Dome? How does this make annnnyyyy sense? The answer will make you want to take a hammer to your own skull.

So after the dome explodes, Barbie runs off into the woods and locates Julia and Junior who are both dead as fuck. But really, as we will soon find out, they are not actually dead. The first big surprise, if you want to call it that, we find out that Barbie is back in the military with a new girlfriend named Eva and the show has clearly tried way to hard to make it look like a flashback. We soon find out that a year has passed since the Dome came down and this is, in fact, a flash into the future. Or is it? Regardless there is zero point in recapping anything that happens in this so-called future because…well…none of it actually happened. How the fuck?

Most of the town appears to have survived the Dome disaster although Barbie sees a glimpse of Melanie for some odd reason…and so does Benny because who doesn’t want the town stoner around, especially when dealing with this show. Benny confronts Barbie about some weird shit that has been happening, as if there wasn’t already enough of that.

You got the stuff, man?

Benny concludes that none of this is real. But he’s just stoned right? There’s no way this isn’t real. Wait a minute…Benny ends up being right about all of this? This town really is dumb!

We check in on Norrie, who is now a sorority girl, and Joe, who is still in desperate need of getting laid. Norrie broke up with him and oh my god…Caroline is STILL alive!

How did I survive this long?

I cannot even believe she has made it this far in the series. Regardless, none of this is actually happening so who cares. The only thing that really matters is the new characters. Wherever they came from…nobody knows. Like Christine, the brand new town therapist:

I Fix People.

So apparently there is a memorial in the middle of town for all of the dead domies whom are still actually alive but I’m gonna get straight to the point. After everyone walked through that white light, they ended up in some strange hibernation chamber, aka Vacation Goo (thank you American Dad), where everyone is whisked away to some magical alternate reality that ISN’T ACTUALLY HAPPENING! BENNY WAS RIGHT…HOLY SHIT! Yup, those sentences just happened. Also, Benny starts randomly dying:

Best. Death Face Ever.

As it turns out…Melanie, our resident Dome alien, decides that Benny cannot remain alive knowing that they’re trapped in virtual reality. And when you die in reality you also automatically die in virtual reality for obvious reasons.

Slimer

At this point, I have no idea why any of this is happening but I’m totally rolling with it. Like that time the Reverend was trying to burn some files only to knock over the fire and start a MASSIVE fire. Or Julia dropping her flashlight off of a cliff…what an idiot!

So ya, that’s all I’m talking about in this “fake” reality because none of it happened. But here are some hilarious new things we found out about some of our characters:

Norrie wants to be a bad ass and Joe is still a dick:

Yup, I smoke now.

Barbie is already dating someone again and is the king of short term relationships:

"I'm Barbie's New Girlfriend. We've been dating for two weeks."

Joe and his therapist, Christine, got a bit too close for comfort:

Petting Zoo

I made this one up because what the hell, it’s probably true now that there is no dome. Norrie and her sexual mind games. Poor Joe:

I'm ready for sex against the dome.

Hunter loves the young girls and is quite possibly a borderline pedophile:

Statutory Rape

Sam gets prison shanked and I can only assume he is not actually injured or dead since they are all just chillin’ in vacation goo:

Sam Gets Prison Shanked

And last but not least, Junior becomes a pyro:

Burn The House Down. Burn 'Em All.

So there you have it folks. Besides Benny’s death, you might as well forget everything you just read about this alternate reality because none of it actually happened. And all I’m thinking at this point is…well that’s fucking dumb.

Big Jim Job

Meanwhile in the real world, Big Jim has lost his mind again and I’m thrilled about it. Remember that time he got super drunk and started shooting at propane tanks? Those were good times. Big Jim has Julia and his own son, Junior, tied up after everyone gets the hell out of Domeville. And Big Jim has this look on his face as he watches the premiere of Under the Dome, a look we all shared as we watched:

I just watched Under the Dome.

He also continuously refers to Julia as a dumb-dumb before he releases the two from his capture. Oh and I almost forgot to mention Big Jim gives Junior a nice going away present. Hope you like bullets kiddo:

Big Jim Shoots Junior

What a great father! Jimmy heads back home and decides to get hammered and shoot at inanimate objects throughout his house. Nothing was safe:

Big Jim Shoots TV

I guess he must have been watching more Under the Dome. Meanwhile, Julia and Junior do some bonding over the fact that they are now gunshot victims and decide to team up and find out where the entire town went. And off they go into the cave where everyone vanished earlier. If you were wondering what that ladder was for…well, all I can say is Julia is an idiot:

Julia Drops Flashlight

Way to drop the flashlight Julia!!! Dumb. Regardless, she almost falls off the ladder after being swarmed by butterflies, cus that’s a thing on this show, but she manages to survive and head off into the cave while Junior holds off the butterflies. Yup, another sentence that we all did not think would ever exist.

Julia finds Melanie’s Chamber of Secrets where she discovers that everyone in town is being held hostage in vacation goo, leading a better life outside of the dome. These chambers will also grow spines when touched:

Wear Protection

Guys, remember last season when Phil jumped off the cliff and ended up impaling himself onto a pit of spikes? Oh man, that was awesome. Unfortunately, Julia had better luck then the late Sheriff/DJ Phil.

Meanwhile, after killing Benny, Melanie finds Junior and ends up putting him into a chamber of his own. And where does he end up? Obviously in the fake reality, the Domeless Chester’s Mill which we’re not talking about ever again. Melanie heads back to find Julia and tells her that she needs the egg back. Yup, that fucking egg is back after being thrown into the lake and off of a cliff. That stupid egg is somehow going to solve all the problems in the world and we’re three seasons in and still know absolutely nothing about it. So obvs this is the solution to getting the egg back:

The Writings on the Dome

Dumbest. Solution. Ever. Julia decides that they’ll just write a message on the wall to get their precious egg back. And, because this is Under the Dome, the plan obviously works like a charm whereas in reality this would NEVER EVER work. Dome logic.

You will remember that Barbie’s dad, Don, and his organization have the egg in their possession after Big Jim threw it off the portal cliff and now, Don heads to the dome, which apparently can still be accessed through the red door outside the Barbara residence back in Zenith. Yet another sentence that should never exist but does now because of this show. So Don ends up in the middle of Lake Dome and is greeted by Melanie, who only wants the egg. Don offers to give her the egg for FREE so obviously choking ensues…

I was going to give you the egg. Is this necessary?

…and Don is dead. Wait, WHAT THE FUCK!? He was going to give you the egg, hun. Was all this murdering really necessary?

Meanwhile, Big Jim has totally lost his mind which is amazeballs for this show. Every time Jimmy goes a bit more off the deep end, the more I want to watch. First off, he’s the latest Sheriff which probably means he’s going to die next. And unfortunately there are only like 3 people left in town, so I’m not so sure the town needs law enforcement for the time being.

I run this ghost town.

Also, Under the Dome’s version of The Wall from Game of Thrones. Simply classic:

The Great Wall of Yard Equipment

Jim ends up following his new dog, which we all thought was going to be murdered by Big Jim but luckily was NOT, and Jimmy finds Don’s dead body and Julia taking a nap. They obviously blame each other for Don’s death but instead they finally pull enough IQ together to figure out that this was probably Melanie who committed the murder. Also, Julia hun…I’m pretty sure Big Jim’s not in your way here so instead of shouting MOVE, you might want to simply walk in ANY direction to get around him. Dumbest dialogue ever.

Big Jim heads back out to continue cleaning his gun while having more drinks.

Chug-A-Lug-Lug

Drinking and Gun Maintenance. The Perfect Combination.

Please don’t try this at home. Or try it and see if I care! Either way, Big Jim has lost his mind. Luckily though, he’s on his way to save the day because Melanie is up to who in the fuck knows with that pink egg.

Wait a minute. These aren't dragon eggs.

The egg starts glowing and doing some crazy shit once placed on one of the vacation goo chambers and who really knows what is actually happening at this point as I don’t even think science can possibly explain it.

Logic Defied

Then, for some reason, Big Jim shows up and all of a sudden decides to help Julia again and save the day. Make up your fucking minds people.

The Vagina Monologues

And bye bye to the alternate reality. After Big Jim decks the egg with is trusty, well-maintained shot gun, everyone is able to escape their vacation goo pods.

Aliens

Including these two new characters who I am pretty sure have been in Chester’s Mill this entire time for no apparently good reason whatsoever:

Welcome to Domeville

It looks like everyone is right back where they started and I have no idea what it all means. Is there any way out of this mess the writers have created? Will our brainless characters ever be able to crack the dome? What’s the deal with our new characters and are they as dumb as the other dome residents? Why are butterfly attacks a thing now? Did Hunter really make out with a 17-year-old Norrie? Why do I still watch this show? Did Julia really do this?

Julia Murders A Butterfly

Stay tuned next week as we’ll have answers to NONE of these questions. Hope you enjoyed the recap Domies!

The Verdict

Episode Score: 6.0. This show totally sucks but I was slightly entertained. It’s like a train wreck and you simply can’t look away. For whatever reason, I found this episode better than most from last season but clearly nothing is still making any sense. Points were awarded for Big Jim hitting the bottle hard again. But points were subtracted for killing off Benny our lovable stoner and for a majority of the episode NOT ACTUALLY HAPPENING!

Also, be sure to check out the preview for next week’s episode, titled Redux, where apparently all will be revealed. I am already calling bullshit on that. Preview is below: